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Yay - it's semaphore festival time. Wheee! Print E-mail
Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Now…. what do we have for you this week…. ???

Sample ImageFriday arvo we have Blues Avenue Duo at Regattas, up there behind the Convention Centre. A nice place to get a bit lubricated after a week of tipping sump oil on the greasy pole beneath you.  And what could be better than spending time at Regattas ignoring the two musicians sweating and slaving over their hot, steaming sousaphones and maracas. Drop in at 5.30 and start talking loudly.

 

 

Sample ImagePan!c is back on the treadmill, too, with a private gig at the Adelaide Hockle Club…. I mean HOCKEY club… to get the ball rolling for the summer season. Watch these pages - but keep your eyes on the road as well - for notification of panic’s return to the Daniel O’Connell Hotel, North Adelaide, soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageSaturday September 29 and the Semaphore Festival gets under way. The Dunstans will give air to their quirky retro pop at the Semaphore hotel, proudly assisted by Fluffy and some other fukkers in a program that runs… well, trots along …  between 9 pm and 2 am.

 

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Sample ImageSunday September 30 Amber Joy Poulton and the Holy Men will joining the line-up at the foreskin… sorry, FORESHORE, at Semaphore for a set at 2 pm.  Come along and say hello but don’t say hello to me because I couldn’t give a rat’s arse to meet anyone else; my electronic address book is full and I’m not adding any more meatybytes to it.

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Sample ImageThe Semaphore Workers Club has a busy weekend with the Semaphore Festival. Check the program for the program. Go here: http://www.semaphoremusicfestival.com/sema_programf.htm

 

 

 

Sample ImageThe Wheatie: Go here:  http://www.wheatsheafhotel.com.au/gigs

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageGet in for a lick of Cream, Tribute to the British masters of UK Blues, The Gov,  Thursday October 18. Go here: http://admin.moshtix.com.au/event.aspx?id=58846&caller=CAL&noadd=true&skin=

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageBackwater Blues:  Get tickets and get into it. Don’t miss the updated, uplifted, up-whatevere’d SA Blues Awards at the Queens Theatre Sunday October . Go Here:  http://www.backwaterbluesfest.com/home/?page_id=21

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageGuthries: Friday evening, September 28th, Guthries presents "Vardos" - 3 women from Melbourne named who play authentic Gypsy music. Their music has taken them around Australia and the world and has been included on several film soundtracks. For more information about Vardos  go to: http://www.vardos.com.au/
Vardos plays from 8pm, doors open 7.30pm  $18 Adults, $15 Concession, $14 Folk Fed members 

 

 

 

Sample ImageMASTER DRUMMER BORTIER INVITES YOU TO COME ON THE TELEMA TOUR TO GHANA SEPTEMBER NEXT YEAR.

Join master drummer Bortier Okoe for a once-in-a-life-time Ghanaian experience. Open your heart and immerse yourself in rich and vibrant culture on a four-week intensive cultural tour. You will live in the town of Nungua amongst the community, learn the traditional rhythms, songs and dances and develop your skills under the guidance of Bortier and local drum and dance masters.

 

Sample ImageBortier’s family will welcome you, share their culture, and cook for you their traditional and delicious food. Take part in live performances specially arranged for you, be entertained by renowned performers, learn to cook favourite Ghanaian food, witness traditional ceremonies, take part in weekend excursions and end your tour with a spectacular performance, showcasing your new skills for the whole community.

Though everyone’s experience will be unique, feeling the rhythm of Ghanaian life and the joy of people around you is something everyone can experience on the Telema Tour.

BOOK FROM NOW TO FEBUARY AND GET DESCOUNT. Place are limited

For more info visit: www.africansoul.com.au

Tour to Ghana West Africa: www.telematour.blogspot.com

Or call 0413953855

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageCheck out this mob - Sleepless. New EP from this excellent local band, great indi music release and pretty good back cataloge as well. Go here for more: http://www.sleepless.com.au

 

 

 

 

 

‘Pumpin’’ Paul Hay and Jan Preston present:  Boogie Woogie Down Under House Party

 Sample ImageOn Saturday the 6th October on the grand piano at the home of Andre and Susan Skujins, Australia’s Queen of Boogie Woogie, Jan Preston will pay tribute, along with special guest, Paul ‘pumpin piano’ Hay, to some of the great blues players of the last 60 years as well as remind everyone that the tradition is still a vibrant and active part of the blues world.

When : Saturday October 6th 2012

Where : Jikara Drive – Glen Osmond

Ticket Price : $20 advance or $30 at door

Phone for Bookings  - limited places available. Boogie Woogie Down Under House is a Variety Club initiative by Susan and Andre Skujins

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageWombat Man and the Search for Water.

 A dire emergency has overtaken the squatters in the unfinished pile of stones (crafted in the so-called Greek Revival design that apparently prohibits builders from putting a proper lid on anything) -  on North terrace.

“Wattle we do?” cried the Invisible Man in the Lower House.

“Let’s sell something on the sly,” suggested The Conman.

“We’ve sold everything except your arse and we couldn’t give that away, Lord knows we tried. Selling something won’t help us. We’ve no choice but to summon a superhero who will work for fuk-all to save us in our hours or weeks of need.”

“Who is that stupid…Well…. I mean: stupider than the rest of the population?”

“We need to get Wombat Man!”

“Wombat Man!!...??”

“Yes, Wombat man; he eats, roots and leaves, eventually. But he’s the only Super-hero we have. And he’s thick enough to save us for fuk-all. But we’ll have to wait….”

“Why?  Do we have to wait until gets dark enough to project the Wombat Man logo against the clouds so that he can see it and come a-running?”

“Nuh. Wait till his flat-mate answers his phone. Wombat Man just lets it ring out but it drives his mate nuts so he eventually picks it up. Here we go. Shouldn’t take more than an hour or so to get him here.”

So, Wombat man is summoned to Parliamant House on a desperate mission.

“Christ! What the hell took you so long to get here? It’s more than 3 hours since we called.”

“Keep yer fukken two-hundred dollar shirt on, you oxygen-thief. I was busy scuttling the Pooch-Wash sheila.  Yeah, I know… But I can’t help meself; the doggy smell makes me hormones dribble. Now what the fuk do you parasites want.”

“That’s no way to speak to us! Do you know who we are?”

“I thought it was your job to know that and I wouldn’t waste my energy guessing. Why don’t dig in your wallets for your drivers’ licences and find out for yourselves. Now, If that’s all you wanted I’ve got a bitch in heat that needs finishing off….”

“Don’t go! We don’t have any nice clean water to drink. We’re all out; dry!”

“So what? Just turn on the tap.”

“That’s the problem - the tap water has dried up because the Murray River has dried up.”

“I thought you were saving the Murray River…”

“Well, we were saving it…  for ourselves but…it’s gorne!”

“Why do you need the Murray River for a drink. Don’t you recycle all your dunny water to drink like you want the rest of us to do…?”

“We’re not like the rest of you. We only drink clean, new water. Can you find our water for us.”

“You’re kidding me, aren’t you…?”

“Well…. We’ll pay you, of courses…. If you know how to apply for a grant.”

“That ’ud be harder than tinplate origami. Stick your grant money up yer dates; just let me have a crack at the Filly Gogo instead. Something about her gets my back legs twitching. There’s a bit of racehorse in her, isn’t there? Eh??? She looks a bit horsey, duddn’t she? She’d make a pretty good fist of Morphettville on a Sat'd'y arvo, wouldn’t she? Eh???  I got a nurge to saddle her up… I'd like to see how she’d perform with a bit of wombat in 'er, eh?? So, you can put in the good word for me with her. That ‘ud do nicely, eh???”

“I say, that’s a bit off. She’s a married minister woman person!”

“Good-oh. I won’t have to break ‘er in. Just promise to put in the good word for me and I’ll find yer water.”

“You drive a hard bargain, Mr Wombat Man.”

“I’ve heard it called many names by many satisfied sheilas, mate, but that’s’ a new one. Now… Is it a deal?”

“Yes. It’s a deal.”

“Ok. Don’t go away, I won’t be a minute. Just talk amongst yourselves; insult each other or sell off a school playground; I’ll be right back.”

“He’s a bit over-confident, isn’t he? I’ve a good mind not to speak to Ms Gogo about him, at all.”

Inside a minute Wombat Man swings back into the Chamber and flings a T-shirt in the face of The Invisible Man.

“There’s your water, you dunce!”

“What’s this…??” sputtered the State’s Chief Tourist, peeling the t-shirt off his dial. “Is this your idea of a joke?”

“Fuk no; I tell funnier ones than that. I thought it was YOUR idea of a joke.”

“What do you mean…”

“Read it…”

The Premier opens the shirt and reads: ‘save the murray’.

“Now read the label…”

“ ‘Made in china.’”

“Yep, there’s your water. You just have to buy it back from China. And I see you’ve already started, judging by the pile of these fukken cotton t-shirts in the gift shop. Getting in before the water gets any dearer to import, eh?? Good idea.  Job done; now, where’s Filly Gogo, I’m getting a bit toey. Hey… just between you and me, is it true that she’s got a fat little Brussels Sprout in her ladygarden…?”

 
The Texettes and the Six Tits in one body ... of work Print E-mail
Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Slept-ember and yes, I’m yet again on about the paucity of gigs in this tired and sleepy town. But it’s only because I don’t have many and I’m going broke. Still…..

Sample ImageThe Texettes are championing the cause of roots music this Thursday night, September 20 at the Exeter on Rundle. The Texettes will be supported by a little-known outfit going under the moniker of The Six Tits but if they do another gig they are going to get a proper name, honestly. I know we all love the safety of listening to cover songs but if you like original music even just a little bit get along to the Exeter on Thursday.

 

 

Sample ImageRobby. I’m putting in this item not because it is a gig as such, but Robby (singer/songwriter) is recording her new album in three gig-like events at the Promethean with David Grice on the knobs.

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageFriday night, September 21 and it’s Blues Avenue Trio at the Whitty. Put on your dancing pants and your high-stepping shoes and get yerself ready to swing the blues. Do you like that? Doggerel, I think it’s called. Anyway, Jimmy Meston, Robert Eyers and the Preacher will be in fine form. Come a bit early and feed your face; the food at the Whitty is pretty good.

 

 

 

Sample ImageThe Wheatie has Don Morrison’s Lonely Cosmonauts on Friday September 21.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Screaming Believers: 3D Fundraiser

 Sample ImageSun 23 September,  6:30 PM ... Legendary Adelaide 80s band, The Screaming Believers, are set to headline a massive Three D Radio Fundraiser Gig on Sunday 23 September, supported by the rockin' 60s garage / psychedelic / surf sounds of local bands Ride Into The Sun, Diesel Witch and Slingshot Dragster.

Ticket Price: $20 + BF; ($25 at the door)
Doors Open: 6:30pm

 

 

 

Sample ImageGurthries: Nick Charles CD launch & Workshop Saturday 22nd - Sunday 23rd September.

On Saturday 22nd September at Guthries, Nick will launch his latest CD "Into the Blues".

On Sunday morning, Nick presents "The Art of Acoustic Blues & Roots Guitar", an interactive 2 hour workshop covering various playing styles including flatpicking, fingerpicking and slide. 

 

In a long and critically acclaimed career, Nick Charles has released a dozen albums on the major Australian and US roots music and guitar labels. Averaging nearly 150 shows a year in Australia, New Zealand and the USA, his music encompasses an eclectic mix of acoustic roots including blues, folk and early ragtime jazz. With his trademark dazzling fingerpicking on 6 and 12 string guitars, stinging slide and a lifetime’s stories and songs from the musical highway it’s a show that sees him labelled by The Age as “Australia’s virtuoso of acoustic roots and blues” and by Australian Guitar magazine as “an awesome talent!”

 

 

Sample ImageSample ImageWatch for  these gigs at the Semaphore Music Festival… The Dunstans, Saturday, September 29 (Semaphore Hotel)  and Amber Joy Poulton and The Holy Men (featuring Pete 'Jumpin' Jenkins on geetar)  at The Foreshore on Sunday September 30. Go here for program: http://www.semaphoremusicfestival.com/sema_programf.htm

 

Sample Image Amber Joy Poulton

 

 

‘Pumpin’’ Paul Hay and Jan Preston present:  Boogie Woogie Down Under House Party

Sample ImageOn Saturday the 6th October on the grand piano at the home of Andre and Susan Skujins, Australia’s Queen of Boogie Woogie, Jan Preston will pay tribute, along with special guest, Paul ‘pumpin piano’ Hay, to some of the great blues players of the last 60 years as well as remind everyone that the tradition is still a vibrant and active part of the blues world.

When : Saturday October 6th 2012

Where : Jikara Drive – Glen Osmond

Ticket Price : $20 advance or $30 at door

Phone for Bookings  - limited places available. Boogie Woogie Down Under House is a Variety Club initiative by Susan and Andre Skujins

 

 

 

Sample ImageGet tickets now for the Backwater Blues & Roots Festival October 19 - 28. Go here: http://www.backwaterbluesfest.com/home/ for info. Go here for program: http://www.backwaterbluesfest.com/home/?page_id=21

 

Backwater is also hosting the 2012 SA Blues Awards at the Queens Theatre, Sunday October 16. Go here for promo Vid: http://www.youtube.com/user/sablues/featured

Go here: for piles of Blues Awards info: http://www.sablues.org/awards2012/blues_awards_2012.htm

 

Sample ImageAnd ... watch out for this at the Gov…. tribute to British supergroup Cream on Thursday October 18. Get in NOW! Tickets here:  http://admin.moshtix.com.au/event.aspx?id=58846&caller=CAL&noadd=true&skin=

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ghoulies

I was recently given pause to recall the time I was a ghost, and included in that was the recollection at how fukken good I was when I was a-haunting. I was the best moaner and wailer of all my ghostly associates having earned the black feather for scaring the freckles offa Princess Fergie. She was in the bathtub dreaming she was getting her toes sucked off by some sleek Latin lover and when she woke up she saw it was me and she had her toes stuck up my ghostly arse. She screamed blue murder and all her freckles flew off and stuck on the wall. Then I screamed; under those freckles she is all kind of bluey-white and it, quite frankly, gruesome. It scared the hell out of me.

Anyway, all my associates said I was so good at the moaning and stuff because I was an incurable moaner and whiner when I was alive and there’s no doubt that could account for some of my soul-rending howling and shrieking but the truth is that I was not very well. I was nearly always feeling a bit crook and sometimes the crookness would flare up something awful and I didn’t have to try very hard to be a blight on anyone’s life or afterlife. That being said it was no surprise when even my worst best friends packed up their chains and put their heads back on their shoulders and left me.

I haunted on for a bit by myself and had some success but I was eventually terrifying myself more often than I was scaring the pigtails off some kiddy skipping across a cemetery to and soundtrack of  tinkly piano music because I was feeling worse and worse. Eventually I had to take myself to the quack.

When a ghost is feeling a bit on-colour, you know: in the pink, green, black in the face or just feeling blue, we usually go to a witch doctor because that’s what all the jokes say but this was far more serious than a juvenile jest and I ended up in the hospital following a series of exhaustive tests and scans and all sorts of stuff liked that. I was in awful pain, moaning and groaning when the doctor emerged from his office with a sheaf of papers and film negatives.

“Is it serious, Doc” I arksed.

“Very. And it’s no wonder you’re in pain, my good Spectre, you’ve got the worst case of ghoulstones we’ve ever seen!”

 
Open Mic Night Print E-mail
Wednesday, 12 September 2012

More Spring weather and there’s even more free gigs to play. Open mic nights. Tell me… who would actually be in the audience of an ‘open mic’ night apart from the hopeful ‘talent’? And where does it end???? The Entertainment Centre hosts open mic night? Twenty thousand fukwits bring their guitars and harmonicas hoping for a jam because the management doesn’t want to pay a performer. You’d be better off staying home and watching the X fukken factor.

Sample ImageStill…. There are some places that provide musical entertainment that you don’t have to DIY:

Like this:    Thursday September 13 will see Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers at the Gilbert Street Hotel for an early start (7pm) to an evening of Double Voodoo blues.

 

 

 

Sample ImageHoy-Hoy crank up for their JOLIE BLON, TOUR, the next gig being: Back to the Whitmore Hotel on Friday the 14th. Sept.

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 Sample ImageSaturday September 15 and it's the Steve Brown Band will be playing at the Bacchus Bar Henley Square. It's all go for a 9  pm kick-off!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageSunday September 16 the Steve Brown Band will be at the Semaphore Workers Club for a 5 pm to 8 pm session. The Semaphore Workers Club is the Home of South Australian Rhythm and Roots music.

 

 

 

Sample ImageThe Texettes will be at The Exeter Hotel,  September 20 at 9.30pm with support underwear. Sorry, support band the Six Tits.

 

 

 

Sample ImageThe Beggars – fresh (or stale) back from destroying country Victoria will be at the Whitmore Hotel in Adelaide at 4pm Sunday  September 16th.

 

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Friday September 21 the Whitmore Hotel (Whitmore Square) will be featuring Blues Avenue Trio -  Swinging the Blues.

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Sample ImageThe Wheatie: Friday September 21 has The Lonely Cosmonauts.

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageKeep an eye out for these gigs at the Semaphore Music Festival… The Dunstans, Saturday, September 29 and Amber Joy Poulton and The Holy Men Sunday September 30. Go here for program: http://www.semaphoremusicfestival.com/sema_programf.htm

 

 

Sample ImageFurther ahead but no less important is the Backwater Blues & Roots Festival October 19 - 28. Go here: http://www.backwaterbluesfest.com/home/ for info. Go here for program: http://www.backwaterbluesfest.com/home/?page_id=21

Backwater is also hosting the 2012 SA Blues Awards at the Queens Theatre, Sunday October 16. Go here for promo Vid: http://www.youtube.com/user/sablues/featured

Go here: for piles of Blues Awards info: http://www.sablues.org/awards2012/blues_awards_2012.htm

And ... watch out for this at the Gov…. tribute to British supergroup Cream on Thursday October 18. Get in NOW! Tickets here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageGuthries:  Andy and Marta CD Launch of “open Sea”, Friday 14 September, and KRISTINA OLSEN (USA) SINGER-SONGWRITER & AUTHOR - Saturday 15 September

http://www.folkfederation.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=section&layout=blog&id=1&Itemid=13

 Guthries is located at 126 Prospect Road, Prospect at the Prospect Town Hall

 

LOOKING AHEAD............

‘Pumpin’’ Paul Hay and Jan Preston present:  Boogie Woogie Down Under House Party –

 

On Saturday the 6th October on the grand piano at the home of Andre and Susan Skujins, Australia’s Queen of Boogie Woogie, Jan Preston will pay tribute, along with special guest, Paul ‘pumpin piano’ Hay, to some of the great blues players of the last 60 years as well as remind everyone that the tradition is still a vibrant and active part of the blues world.

 

When : Saturday October 6th 2012

Where : Jikara Drive – Glen Osmond

Limited Bookings – Telephone 83795102

Ticket Price : $20 advance or $30 at door

 

Phone for Bookings. Boogie Woogie Down Under House is a Variety Club initiative by Susan nd Andre Skujins

 

 

Sherluck fukken Holmes and the cricketer’s balls

“Watson,” shouted Holmes, “Shift your lazy arse… we’ve been summoned to Lords!”

“I say, Holmes, Old Man… I haven’t yet made my will. I wasn’t expecting to pop orf so soon.”

“Not to The Lord, you fukken Victorian dunderhead… to Lords - the cricket ground. Lestrade has informed me there’s been an incident!”

And an ugly incident it was. Famous ill-tempered batsman W.C. Disgrace was lying dead on the gymnasium floor, his nuts smashed to a pulp, his head stove in and five cricket balls shoved up his arse.

“I say, Holmes… that looks decidedly ugly, old man…”
“So does your good lady’s feminine segments when she’s got the painters in, I’ll wager, Watson, but we still have to get on with the job, eh…  my good fellow?”

“Well, I tend to leave that to the gardener, Holmes. I can remove a festering canker from a bloated lower colon but there are some things I prefer to leave to the hired help. Do you have any clues…”

“Watson, I’m smarter than a folding umbrella but this is a baffler.”

“Got you stumped, Holmes?” laughed Inspector Lestrade. “Thought it would. It’s a puzzle and more. All in all this case looks harder than hotel soap.”

“It’s merely a case of a rational scientific approach and logical deduction, Lestrade. Tell me… is it Saturday night?”

“No… It’s Chewsdee.”

“Was WC a gymnast?”

“Never, Holmes. He was a protestant.”

“I thought so. And I notice that this is an indoor practice pitch… Was WC getting ready for a big match?”

“Well… he did have his trials coming up on Saturdee for the new league. Do you think he was murdered to keep him out of the competition? Brutally murdered to sabotage England’s game…?”

“That’s a possibility that might occur to a beetle-brained buffoon like you, Lestrade,  but the facts speak for themselves and it’s pretty obvious what they are telling me. Suicide!”

“What????? You must be joking, Holmes….”

“I never tell jokes, Lestrade, except that one about the bloke with two dicks and the fat lady with the double chin - I like that one a fair bit. However, let me explain and pay attention: WC was hoping to make a big showing at the 20-20 tryouts and was sneaking in a bit of secret practice. He had arranged,  behind his wicket, the bathtub… standing on its end – hence there was to be no bathing.

“He has also positioned a trampoline at the other end of the pitch -  it, too, is standing on its end, hence no gymnastics. Now, here’s what happened.

“To practice in secret and not let any bowler know of the advanced style he is developing to cope with the shorter and quicker game he must do the whole show by himself. WC loads up his arse with six cricket balls to suit the Australian over and takes position in front of his stumps. Straining greatly he pops out of his ringpiece the first ball which hits the scoop of the bathtub, rolls up to the other end and shoots over his head towards the bowling end of the pitch where it rebounds from the trampoline and is smartly bowled back down the pitch - right at him - in order for him to play the ball. It’s patently simple but…  he has neglected to take into account his Farmer Giles.”

“His what???”

“His haemorrhoids, old man… WC was a martyr to piles on his quoit. Allow me to continue… his piles have caught the seam of the ball as it exits his cloaca and imparted a wicked spin which has been accentuated and reversed by the parabolic scoop of the bathtub. Upon rebounding off the trampoline it also received a peppy topspin and WC is offered the perfect reverse-Doosra which surprises and defeats him and smacks him fair in the goolies, crushing his wedding tackle to a bloody pulp, not unlike minced beef as you can see.

“Disgusted with his performance at being bowled out, Nuts Before Wicket on the first ball, and mortified at the thought of having to masturbate with a kitchen spatula, the cricketer dashes his own brains out with his cricket bat, leaving the five remaining balls unbowled and still up his date.”

“Well, I’ll be….”

“You might as well because you certainly haven’t been up till now, Lestrade. Anyhow,  it’s elementary, old fellow. Once you remove the extraneous dross whatever’s left  - no matter how implausible – must be the truth. Now, Watson, lets’ get back home and take some drugs and then there’s a cracking  new granny on that GILF site on the Victorian Interweb I want to show you – I swear it’s your mother…  gone crazy with her new Box Brownie. If it’s not her it’s your Auntie Charlotte! Their moustaches are identical to yours, old Man; it’s a family trait.”

 

 

 

 

 
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