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Mighty Big Blues at the Gov Print E-mail
Wednesday, 13 June 2012

While my list is light on quantity this week it’s big on quality

Sample ImageSweet Baby James and Rob Eyers at the Gilbert Street Hotel on Thursday  June 14.  The grittiest double voodoo blues from the dynamic duo and the some of the tastiest tucker you can wrap your laughing gear around… Live music kicks off early – 7 pm.

 

 

 BIG BLUES NIGHT

Sample ImageFriday June 15 and it’s a feast  for Rocken’, Roots and Blues aficionados at The Gov. It’s The Big Blues Night and there is a smorgasbord on offer:  2 Katz… That’s Big Daddy and Steve rippin’ it up; The Steve Brown Band with an All-Star line-up: Brownie, James Sweet Baby Meston, Craig Maximum Intensity Rodda, The Preacher Denis Surmon  and Peter Doc Martin.

 

Sample Image

 Then you’ve got the Flyers led by the Mighty Dave Blight whose pedigree is longer than a very long thing indeed:  David Blight is without doubt Australia's premier harmonica player and has performed with Australia's leading musicians for the past 3 decades including his 30 plus year association with Cold Chisel. David has also performed and/or recorded with Don walkers Catfish, Jimmy Barnes band, Ian Moss Band, Red Rivers just to name a few. The band is based on David's songwriting and his harmonica playing talents.  

Dave  Small is an icon of the Adelaide blues scene; Rockin Rob Riley is a well-known guitarist probably best known as one of the guitarists for Rose Tattoo; Mick Rajan joined the current formation of The Flyers in early 1999 and Bass guitarist Laurie is the latest addition.

 

 Sample ImageGuthries, Prospect Town Hall, A Night of Scottish Fiddling with Catherine Fraser & Duncan Smith - Fri 15th June 8pm.  Having earned an international reputation of a truly captivating violin performer of rare clarity and depth, Catherine Fraser was awarded the Golden Fiddle Award for Best Soloist Australasia, 2010. Regarded as one of the world's leading fiddle and piano duos, her music connection with pianist Duncan Smith is evident in their sparkling performances. Their repertoire, steeped in Scottish tradition, also explores the possibilities of stylistic integration between classical, folk and original composition. TICKETS: www.dramatix.com.au/folkfederation or 8344 4421

 

Sample ImageSATURDAY.  16th JUNE.  Hoy-Hoy! -  Doin’  The BLUE JEAN BLUES tour – will be doin’ THE BRIDGEWAY, BACK WHERE IT ALL STARTED 25 YEARS AGO.



 

 

Ratbags I have known 

I received a letter in the post from Mad Abbott asking me to give him money so he can help mining executives pockmark the face and fringe of this country and it started me thinking about ratbags.  Not facist, plutocratic glove-puppets like that galah, I mean real ratbags like you uster get when we were kids.

We had  - he’s sadly past tense now – a cracker: Uncle Zac. Zac spent his youth in a circus as tumbler in a troupe - the KegLegs. He liked a drink, did Uncle Zac, him and his troupe. That’s what earned them the name.

And he was an inventor – it’s a family gene thing – he was responsible for spraying a Teflon-like substance on the underneath of school chairs to make the first booger-resistant student seat. Unfortunately, as an idea it was too good; the test group of students went nearly mad trying to get their snot to stick under the chairs and an awful riot ensued. The chairs were sent to Area 51 os somewhere like that and locked way for ever.

Never defeated, Uncle Zac went on to invent the face-recognition door mat that did away entirely with house keys and eliminated the games of keyhole darts he used to play on the front door after a drink or two at the club. You simply tripped over the porch step and fell flat on your face on the mat which would read your dial and – if it matched up with one of the mugs stored in its RAM-  it would set in motion a mechanism that swung the whole porch around and dumped you inside.

One of the things that made him amusing to us kiddies was that he had a gimbal-mounted wrist. He could always keep a glass vertical and the liquid inside horizontal no matter what angle he was adopting. Even if he fell over or if he got knocked for six he would simply roll like a circus tumbler until his feet found the floor then he’d slowly wobble – or claw – his way upright-ish but because of his gimbal mounted wrist he never spilled a drop of his drink. It was like magic.

In a bus, a tram or a car….never spilled a drop. Even in a car that went off the road and into the sea with him and his mates inside; from the shore he looked like a goner – didn’t even try to swim. They  thought he was fukked. When the rescuers dragged Uncle Zac by the collar half dead into the rubber ducky they discovered he was still holding his glass of whisky with the one hand and the other hand firmly clamped over the top.

“Why didn’t you let go of the glass and swim…??” they shouted at him

“And get water in me whisky…. I’d rather drown!”

It’s sad he’s gone. They don’t make ratbags like that these days and even if they did the council would probably ban ‘em.

 

 

 

 
Big Blues at the Gov - rilly BIG Print E-mail
Wednesday, 06 June 2012

And it’s Happy Birthday to the Queen and Happy Strawberry Jujube! Or something.  Yes, it’s the Queen’s Birthday long weekend and the occasion of the formerly fun and exciting Sea and Vines festivities, now watered down to a typically South Australian slippers and cardigan retirement social. You may taste some wine but … don’t have fun!

 

Sample ImageSo…. Friday June 9: we have Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers at the Whitmore Hotel, doin’ the ol’ Double Voodoo Blues.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageFriday June 9: Shades of Blue at Bacchus Bar, Henley Beach. 8.30 kick off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample Image Friday June 8th 7:30 The Beggars at The Acoustic Peacock Lot 80, Norman Rd, Willunga http://www.acousticpeacock.com.au/about.htm

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageSunday June 10:  Michael Hill will be at Maxwells Winery McClarenvale so get on down and keep him company.

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageSunday June 10 at the Whitty: Big Daddy and the Preacher at the Whitmore Hotel – 4.30 to 7.30. They is a grouse duo…

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageMonday June 11:  pan!c returns to Maxwells Winery McClarenvale for a long haul… 11 am to 5 pm (almost like a real job, eh?), so make sure you drop in to see the boys. As they say: When all else fails… p**!c

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageTuesday June 12:  Blues Avenue Trio cuts sick at the Showgrounds but I think it’s a “private/corporate” affair and you’re not allowed to go to it.  Unless you’ve been invited, in which case: I’ll see you there.

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageThursday June 14:  Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers at the Gilbert Street Hotel. The best Buffalo wings this side of the Goyder Line and the best in Double Voodoo Roots music.  Early start: 7 pm. You may have to book for your bowl of Gilbert Street Buffalo Wings – they are ‘popular’! go here: http://www.gilbertsthotel.com.au/ … or phone here: 8231 9909.

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageNow for the biggie….. Friday June 15 at the Gov:   the Big Blues Night with 2 Katz, The Steve Brown Band and the mighty Dave Blight and the Flyers.

Doors open at 7.30, get yourself some tickets early, pre-book/purchase here:  http://admin.moshtix.com.au/event.aspx?id=57684&caller=CAL&noadd=true&skin= …  and get loaded up with information about the gig and the bands.    The line-ups are impressive and will ensure a fine Sample Imageevening of Roots and Blues music. The line-up in The Flyers alone is a Who’s Who of South Aussie rocken blues music (See te gov. site). Plus you'll get Big Daddy (whoever the fuk he is) and Steve Brown (we all know who he is) and all his brown band, and many more.

 

Get in for the Big Blues Night at the Gov.

 

 

 

 

 Looking Ahead even further:

 

Sample ImageSaturday 23rd June 2012: HOLLYWOOD GUN CLUB - rock till yer ears bleed, just like to olden days!!!! MAYHEM presents - LIVE - "A Night Of Classic Hard Rock & Metal" at ENIGMA Bar - 173 HINDLEY STREET. With Matterhorn. Is that a question to Stevo? What's the matterhorne?

for information go here: http://www.facebook.com/events/271297842949842/ and here:  http://www.enigmabar.com.au/ (08) 8212 2313

 

Now....

 

Sherluck fukken Holmes and the royal solution

 

“Watson, I have in my hand a note that informs me that we, in a few minutes, we will be visited by the Right Hon Sir Reginald Rectum-Visage.... What is it Watson?  You look a little concerned…”

“It’s nothing, Holmes, I just thought you said Reginald Bumface was coming here... But perhaps I was mistaken…”

“No, Watson, you were not mistaken. In fact, here he is now! Come on in, Sir Reginald.  What can we do for you?”

“Well, Ahem.... Mr Holmes, It’s ...er ... more of a matter of what can YOU do.”

“Come, come my good man, speak up.”

“Well, Holmes,” Sir Reginald mumbled while rolling his eyes towards the part of the room where Watson was seated. “I hope you will understand when I say that perhaps I should speak to you in private….”

“Reggie, old son, anything that you have to say to me can be freely uttered in front of my dear friend and colleague, John Watson. He is my associate and indeed, in some ways, my other half, so to speak.”

“If you insist, Holmes, but, you see,  it’s rather a delicate matter….”

“Please, Sir Reg, just let it all hang out!”

“Rightey-ho, then.  Watson is a turd! In fact... he’s a dirty big turd!”

“I say, Sir Reg, that’s certainly digging up the spuds, isn’t it? Is there an explanation for your attitude towards my dear friend?”

“There most certainly is, Mr Holmes…  I came home from my job at the Houses of Parliament the other day and caught him with his hand up my wife’s skirts!”

“Ha! Ha! Well, Sir Reg, that can be explained very easily: John Watson is a medical doctor and was no doubt engaged in a consultation with your wife in regard to her ...well, her ladies' lower bodily parts, which are not things with which I am familiar, but - I am sure - are regions to which Watson, being medically trained and certified as such, can administer succour.”

“Quit so, Holmes, quite so…” huffed Watson. “Administering succour and…. ah… Doctors’ business.”

“So, you see, Reg;  there is a simple explanation for the situation you perceived and I can also vouch for Watson's skill as a quack and will hasten to assure you that the prognosis of your wife’s condition – whatever it is - in the hands of this very good fellow will be sterling; his success rate is above average. Somewhat, I believe.... for a quack in these dark, Victorian times.”

“All right, then. If you say so, Holmes.”

“I do. You may rest easily in regard to this enquiry, Sir Reginald. Now fuk off to whatever snobby club you and your fellow political parasites infest and leave me alone; I want to take some drugs and play my guitar. Cheerio.”

After Sir Reginald's departure, Watson turned to Holmes.... “Whew, Holmes; that sailed a bit close to the rocks!”

“Yes, Watson. There was a risk that Arseface might have had you struck off.”

“Mmmm, there was that,” conceded Watson. “Could have been worse, though. If Sir Reg had come home ten minutes later that day he‘d've caught me up to me plums in Lady Bumface's pudding!”

“Watson!  Are you saying you are having intimate relations with Lady Bumface???”

“If you mean that I’m feeding wood to her beaver you’ve whacked the naughty pupil right on the date, mate! And she’s torrid for it, too!”

“Watson, I don’t know how you can do it; I can't think of anything more bizarre than ladies and chappies rubbing their urological outlets together.  However, this affords us an ideal segue to demonstrate my current project...”

With that and a great flourish, Holmes flung back a curtain to expose benches and racks of scientific equipment.

“It - my Dear Watson - is a chemical lobotomy.”

“Holmes, I’m surprised at your error. Isn’t it a chemist’s laboratory?”

“There are no flies on you, Watson, and yet… there are, as well. In my chemists’s laboratory I have been developing a chemical lobotomy! Sort of.”

“I say, Holmes…”

“And you can say it again, you dirty little fukker, but that is the essence of my current work.”

“But what is it all in aid of, Holmes?”

“It is to aid the future generations, Watson.  It is no secret that out royal family is ... well, to put it in in a scientific way ... our royal family has a tendency to keep dipping its toes in its own gene pool and as a man of science you may quickly foresee trouble in future generations through inbreeding.”

“I should say so, Holmes! One has to only look at history to see the effects of such fellacious filial fornication. So… what have you developed to negate this worrying issue, my good fellow?”

“Here it is, Watson.... It’s a special liquid that I have invented and put in an aerosol spray.... It's called Incest-icide!”

“Good Lord, Holmes!”

“So some say, Watson, but I doubt it. However… I intend to dress up as the Flick man and approach The Palace with a superficial agenda to free the kitchens and bedrooms of plague-carrying pests but I will in fact be there to spray all their underwear and foodstuffs with my incest-icide and knock this intra-family frolicking on the head.”

“Holmes... the future will thank you.”

“I fukken hope so, Watson. I’m not doing this for nothing!”

Later, Holmes returns from his errand in disgust and flings himself on the sofa.

“Fuk it Watson.   That dirty Professor Moriarty had got there before me and stitched them up with a bunch of ‘love your brother - love your sister’ hippie-shit propaganda. They were shagging like fukken rabbits when I arrived and they told me to stuff my spray gun up my arse.”

“I say, Holmes; that was a bit off colour. What will happen now...?”

“Watson, through no fault of mine but because of that devil Moriarty, the future I see for an incestuous royal family is one of horse-faced women with donkey teeth who allow themselves to be smothered in dogs, and dotty men who lean towards tree-hugging and wearing plaid skirts in public while harbouring desires to become feminine hygiene products. This would be offset by raging eccentrics with vivisectionist tendencies, a love of shooting things with a nancy-boy or two tossed in the mix as well. And they’ll be harder to dislodge from the throne than a greasy skidmark on the dunny bowl.  In short Watson I see the royal family in a hundred years as nothing more than a side-show to Piccadilly Circus and barely more than a curiosity for tourists.”

“It makes me want to cry in the future, Holmes; is there nothing we can do?”

“I’m giving up on it, Watson. I believe there is nothing more I can do. But here is something you can do Watson, for me....”

“Anything, Holmes.”

“Well…. can you tell me what a ladies’ bodily treasure looks like and why it is such a magnet to a chappies' drainpipe?”

“Well, Holmes;  can you imagine the Battersea funfair with a thrilling scenic railway and a huge bouncy castle, all surrounded by cuddly brown bears but filled to the brim with bad-tempered alligators and deceitful, deadly snakes.....”

“Good Gracious, Watson! No!!!”

“Ha, Ha! That’s right, Holmes; it's nothing like that! But you can start by imagining something that looks like a Scotsman's sporran.... “

“Excuse me, Watson… If I have to start there I’m going to need some help before we go any further. Please pass that bottle of rum and a slipperful of cocaine!”

 

 
Put a little Blues in Your Soul... Print E-mail
Sunday, 27 May 2012

What else can you do on these cold winter nights but warm up yourself by dancing – and drinking – and more dancing?  Who knows… you might get good at dancing, you’re probably already pretty good at drinking!

Sample ImageSo…. Friday night, June 1 - first night of Winter 2012 -  get a little Blues in Your Soul at Adelaide’s Sample Imagehottest social Dance Party! Hosted at the Caledonian Hotel, North Adelaide (219 O’Connell Street) and featuring the Red Hot Blues Band with the Mighty David Blighty, Sweet Baby James Meston, Rob Eyers and The Preacher Denis Surmon – hot music to warm your soul. See the hot chilies over there? That's what it's gonna be like. Kicks off at 9 pm, $15 to get in and don’t fukken complain about it! You don’t get stuff this good for nothing.

 Get yourself into dancing - Swing, Jive, Ballroom, Latin at:  http://www.thirdfootadelaide.com.au

 

Sample ImageFriday June 1stThe Chris Finnen Electric Band at The Semaphore Workers Club.

Band starts 9:15 p.m.

 

Australian Songbook, Featuring The Beggars and Trev Warner

Sample Image.   Saturday June 2 you can catch the Beggars and Trev Warner at Guthries, Prospect  Town Hall, Prospect. And you’ll have to pay a cover charge there as well. Same thing – good music, great performers.  TICKETS: www.dramatix.com.au/folkfederation or 8344 4421

 

Sample ImageSaturday June 2 and it’s the final gig for the Magill Club with Sweet Baby James Meston and Rob Eyers taking it out. The Magill Club is a fine venue and a great sounding room.  Be there for an 8.30 kick off - $10 entry. 

And on Sunday May 3 The Semaphore Workers Club has the dynamic duo (SBJ and Rob Eyers) on stage from 5.30 till 8 pm. The Semaphore Workers Club is The Home of Roots and Blues Music in South Australia.

 

Sample ImageGo here:  http://wheatsheafhotel.com.au/gigs   for live music at the Wheatie

 

 

 

Sample ImageGo here for live music at the Gov: http://www.thegov.com.au/gig-guide.html

 

 

Out in space no one can hear you curse.

I was driving a B-double starcruiser back from deep space – really deep space where they had the high dive platform – with a brick on the accelerator I leaned back in the seat, turned down the George Thorogood tape and reflected a little on the mission I was just completing.

I had been away from home for 4 light years, 13 dark months and an unspecified number of grey days but it was worth it – I had been searching for the elusive space vacuum and I was returning home feeling mighty pleased with myself.  

My long search had taken me out past the star system of Ursula Undress and into the frightening fringes of the galaxy of Labia Major and that’s when I saw it – the giant Houver-Douver Space Vacuum – with attachments!

It had taken just a couple of parsecs to scoot out in my space tray-top and bring the Space Vacuum into the B-double, rip off a giant space U-ey and head on home.

Back home on Earth, I unpacked the marvellous Space Vacuum; my household chores would no longer be a drudge!

So, you can imagine my disappointment when I discovered the fukken thing had trouble picking up the dog hairs offa the carpet and couldn’t lift the cat hairs off the sofa cushions.

The cobwebs off the ceiling got stuck in the brushes and then the upholstery nozzle got clogged because the aperture choked on a couple of batteries from the remote.

Then the plastic hose-grip cracked where it plugs into the silver tube - had to gaffa the thing - and the retractable power cord business got jammed and wouldn’t retract.

The bag filled up in one pass through the fukken joint, turning on the overload light, and when I went to buy some new bags it cost me 30 bucks for a box of four.

No wonder space is full of junk! The Space Vacuum is a dud. I have chucked the useless thing out on the footpath for some hapless scavenger to swipe. I just wish I’d seen the Made in China fine print on the bottom of the fukken thing before I bothered bringing it home.

 

 
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