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Rumours of Tamworth are true - you have to be there, said the Hobbit Print E-mail
Thursday, 15 January 2015

Sample ImageThis Friday 16th Jan. The Bluescasters will be serving up  A Whole Lotta Blues @ The Gaslight Tavern for only $5.00 entry. Show starts 8.30 pm, so get there early to secure your place at the bar!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample Image17 January at 6.00 pm; Rumours - The Fleetwood Mac Show at the Beach House Cafe in Encounter Bay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageSunday January 18 will see the Chris Finnen Electric band at the Modbury Hotel…. Rocking and wailing.

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageAmber Joy and the Holy Men – Big week in Tamworth.  Ten or more shows, there’s a list somewhere, six of them are at Diggers (yeehah!!); gigs with Sandra Humphries,  Amos Morris;  couple of songwriting nominations/finalists; bit of yippee and yeeharr. If you are up that way make a point of coming to a show and saying hello – it’s always good to meet South Aussies when you are in that weird Tamvegas place.

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 Sample ImageGet ready for an authentic Mexican experience Saturday 24 January Long Weekend at The Gov with Victor Valdes and The Real Mexico Mariachi Band (Mexico/Australia).

A virtuoso Mexican harpist, Victor Valdes is a walking-talking encyclopaedia of Mexican and Latin music past and present and has redefined the harp as a solo and lead instrument in a multitude of musical contexts and keys. As a solo harpist, Victor has performed in 25 countries worldwide. For 10 years he was a member of Tlen Huicani, the best known and multi-award-winning Mexican folk group which toured the world, playing 20 performances at Sydney Opera House.

 

 

 

Sample Image The Wheatie: The Bearded Gypsies get started on a Thursday night residency and in-betweens you  can catch and few gems like: The Baker Suite on Saturday January 17.

 

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 Art-folk, cinematic storytelling, French Cafe and cabaret romantica...all terms which have been used to describe The Baker Suite.  Songwriter, John Baker (guitar) and his partner in rhyme Gayle Buckby (parisianesque accordion), will be joined by Julian Ferraretto (violin, mandolin & saw), Lyndon Gray (double bass) and Enrico Mick Morena (drums).www.thebakersuite.com

 

wheatie gigs: http://www.wheatsheafhotel.com.au/gigs

 

 

 

 

Monday 26th – Australia Day Long Weekend at the Semaphore & Port Adelaide RSL

Sample ImageHelp Fly The Flag - On Monday the Club has a FREE “Australia Day Show” from 5.30pm - Late, featuring New Relix are Paul Thorpe on Drums. David Kitterringham on Bass & Gavin J Williams on Guitar.

 

 

 

 

 

AMC Sessions at Mortlock Chamber February 9

Sample ImageIf you haven’t booked by now you could be missing out on this one. The poster says it all but here’s a few details if your screen is too small or something – you know, you are getting too old to read 12-point type.

It has The Masters Apprentices, the Twilights, Bev Harrell, Doug Ashdown, Heidi Eiderdown (Nah.... just made that up), John Brewster, Shooey, Rockin' Fukken Rob Fukken Riley, Peter Combe, Nit Comb (made that up, too), Chris Finnen, The Timbers, Vincent's Chair, Vinnie's Clothes Rack (I can't help myself), The Baker Suite, The 3-pce Lounge suite (Stop it!), The Beggars, The Buggers (Sorry, really sorry.) and Brillig. Then fine print fine print fine print some logos and shit.

This is a unique event...in an unique setting. www.trybooking.com/112033

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Christ – it’s him…!  He’s back - it’s Dildo Bugger and a bunch of stumpy people in:

The Battle-axe with the fat armies....

Or… The desolation of Smug, the fat, greedy old dragon


In the land of the Iron Hill of Roy… the running river is running thick with arsenic sludge,  with phosphates and sulphides – poisoned and toxic, the landscape pitted and scarred, deep wounds hacked into the earth and left to fester, no tree, no grass, no animals; such was the Desolation of Smug, the Old Dragon with the big Fat Armies.
Dildo stood on the edge of the wasteland, Goodgrief the antediluvian prestidigitator at his side. The mountain loomed ominously in the distance.
Loom; loom.
“Pretty fukn huge mountain,” sed the short-arsed hairball.
“You can say that again!”
“Pretty fukn’…..”
“All RIGHT! I know!!!”
“Well…it is a big mountain.”
“Wait till we get closer.”
“Through the magic of timelording and CGI distance-shortening, Dildo and the pointy-hatted conjurer draw closer to the grotesque lump.
“It’s … It’s not a mountain… of rock and iron and stuff,” exclaimed Dildo. “ It’s…. It’s….. EEUURGGGGHHH!”
“Yes, it’s the greedy old mining dragon Smug Rhinohyde. And she is fukkn HUGE, you little dog-rapist.”
“How did she get so big?”
“She began life with a bellyful of inheritance from Auld Lang Syne which she greedily hoarded but now she is bloated with over-generous tax concessions, biased government largesse from the Mad Abbott, privileged family leaseholdings and she is lying on top of a huge pile of her family’s money.”
“And her arms are so … so FAT… and flubbery!”
“Yes… They are certainly disgusting. Up close she smells like a hamburger patty cooked in camel grease.”
“Hurrp!! Bloikkkk!!! Excuse me - there’s a bit on your sandal. But what are those monstrous flubbery tentacles doing?”
“They are scrabbling around in the muck trying to scrape every doubloon and ha’penny from every living being that gets caught in her deadly gravity.”
“It is truly horrible; let’s kill it.”
“Ok. I’ll toss you for it.”
“Hey… no throwing dwarves or Hobbits!”
“Toss a coin, you fukkn birdbrain.”
A voice behind them speaks: “You shall not kill it!”
“Who the fuk says,” demanded Goodgrief.
“I do. I am Campbell of Newman. As long as she is here with her wealth, we are wealthy. Well… we appear wealthy, and I will be re-elected on that tenuous connexion if the publicity drive by the Wizard Rupert does its job properly... and if the Mad Abbott stays in his Castle on the Hill and doesn't show his face around here for a while.”
“So tell me Adolf – I mean – Campbell of Newman … fat Smug gives some of her dough to the people...?”
“Umm … no.”
“Then, she must give some of it to you…?”
“Well… not exactly.. she,  er, she would… if we let, er, if we her but in reality she keeps all of it. And … we give her more so she can… er… keep all of that too.”
“Well, she employs the good people of this country in her industrial endeavours?”
“Ummm… No.  She uses orcs. They work cheap; they just eat rocks and shit.”
“Just a moment, Goodgrief, let me talk to Campbell of Newman,” interrupted the Hobbit, “I speak Idiot fluently. What about this mess…???” Dildo demanded, waving his hairy appendage in the general direction of the total environment destruction.
That’s not a mess; wait till you see what we have planned for the Great Barrier Reef! Haw Haw…! “

“I can’t wait for that!" mumbled Dildo. "But what has fat Smug Rhinohyde  done with the good stuff she has pulled out of the ground?”
“Well… she …er... sells it to Threedoor in the East and they use it to make crap that we buy to…er… put straight into landfill.”
“And this is GOOD?”
“Well… it’s always good to appear to have something going on, some kind of digging industry, even if it is destructive and only serves the industrialist… It sort of makes us politicians look better; we can talk up the ‘industry’ to justify our …er… remuneration and perks… and re-election.”
Dildo tipped a knowing wink at Goodgrief.
“Aye, Kneebiter,” said Goodgrief aside to the drainclogger. “There’s someone who should’ve got drowned at birth. So… looks like we get one apiece. You get the giant slug and  I’ll do this oik with me magic pigsticker.”
ARRRRGH!!!!
“Very magic, Goodgrief.  But very messy.”
“Yeah… didn’t want to leave any bits that might be able to join up again. Now, we’ll have to get that mountain of lard up in the air so we can shoot her in the soft, flabby underbelly.”
“How’re we gonna do tha?.”
“You got a rouble…?”
“Yeah.”
“Toss it in the air.”
Dildo tossed the shiny coin high in the air. Toss!
“Whoohoo…she’s seen it and she’s lifting off to gobble it up. Get your bow and arrow ready, you crapulent capybara…. Now shoot her in the left tit, It’s smaller than the other one; less resistance to get through to her vitals..”
“But… But what’s that strange thing hanging off her tit….?”
“It’s nothing; it’s just the Mad Abbott, he’s her remora…… Shoot now, we’ll get two parasites with one shaft…..”
TWANG!
“OH NO! You’ve only hit blubber.”
“Goody, old man… she’s all blubber. I don’t know where to aim… nothing will get through to her gizzard.”
“It’s time for some wizardry… here, tie this orcskin envelope to one of my magical sky rockets, point it to the East and light the wick.”
“Is it a bomb?”
“Sort of;  it’s something I have been quietly  sitting on for a couple of dozen years. it’s the formula and instructions to make industrial cold fusion. Once the Easties in Threedoor  have it they will drop her coal imports like a sizzling dumpling.”   
“Excellent!  And will fat Smug crash to her death and squash that little jerk hanging on underneath her?”
“If you believe in cold fusion, my little quokka, you’ll believe we can stop Smug the Fat and her Parasite. But let’s give it a shot!”

 

 
Well, that's Christmas done - what's next? Print E-mail
Thursday, 25 December 2014

 Sample ImageThe Wheatie  - Boxing Day with a Configuration of Cosmonauts

The BLURB: Is it The Raging Cosmonauts, The Lonely Thirst or even perhaps The Thirsty Cosmonauts? We’re not really sure but the Boxing Day tradition at the Wheaty continues this year with Don Morrison’s Raging Thirst hosting a line up of distinguished guests from the previous hosts of this auspicious event, The Lonely Cosmonauts.  It will be a lot of fun but in a slightly subdued way that befits the date. Come and recover, forget or renew whilst opening your gifts! Friday 26 December. ime: 8.00 PM

 

Sample ImageGT Stringer  ---  at the Wheatie --- ATENCIONE!!!...

Saturday December 27 will see Le “GT STRINGER” appearing @ The Wheatsheaf Hotel sporting some new tunes and the full line up of Tristen Andrews, James Biege, Trevor Ramsey, Dennis Kipridis, Gil Atkinson and Nick Kipridis. Come and hear some of the finest Diablo-instro tunes this side of Semaphore Spit!!!
 
https://www.facebook.com/pages/GT-Stringer/339053382857168

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImagePanic at the Hampshire on January 11.

Yes… the Hampshiore Hotel in whatever street in the City. Sunday Arvo show, not sure of the times yet but will certainly follow up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A bunch of words from Bside Magazine:

Sample ImageBSide Magazine is Adelaide’s ONLY weekly tabloid PRINT magazine with a focus on the performing arts.


"At the moment 3,000 copies of BSide Magazine is distributed every Thursday afternoon to over 250 hot spots in and around Adelaide.

Below is a link to a PDF of our affordable advertising rates (page 4 of PDF) which begin at $60 (plus GST) for a 1/16th page print ad.
 
http://bsidemagazine.com.au/pdf/BSM_Advertising_Rates.pdf

Bside also has a very strong online presence with our website and our Facebook page which will also potentially create lots of engagement opportunities for you and your show.   Across these three platforms, we can also create/customise your ad to suit your needs.

We look forward to hearing from you. If you have any questions or, you wish to book up some advertising space in BSide Magazine for 2015 then reply to this email or call Alec on 0418 843 596."

 

AMC Sessions at Mortlock Chamber February 9

Sample ImageThis is a big one for sure!! Well, the poster is big enough. But that's so you can read it and I won't have to type in all the details.
Oh... all right. I'll put in some stuff:
It has The Masters Apprentices, the Twilights, Bev Harrell, Doug Ashdown, Heidi Eiderdown (Nah.... just made that up), John Brewster, Shooey, Rockin' Fukken Rob Fukken Riley, Peter Combe, Nit Comb (made that up, too), Chris Finnen, The Timbers, Vincent's Chair, Vinnie's Clothes Rack (I can't help myself), The Baker Suite, The 3-pce Lounge suite (Stop it!), The Beggars, The Buggers (Sorry, really sorry.) and Brillig. Then fine print fine print fine print some logos and shit.
 
We're getting in early but, read this (from the promoter):
Only 120 tickets available (er... much, much less now....) and no door list, door tickets or comps on this one. So, get a fukn move on....  It will sell out quickly... it is a unique event...in an unique setting. www.trybooking.com/112033

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageSyn at Sunset….

See the poster … keep rockin’ over the holiday break at Leaconfield (wherever that is...) with the Satellites.
 Syn @ Sunset with The Satellites on Saturday December 27,
Leconfield Wines McLaren Vale - 439 Main Road McLaren Vale
6pm – 9pm  Ph: 8323 8830

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 31 – the Westward Ho Golf Club presents The Party Cats.

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 Still makes me smile:

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Of giving and receiving

The season of giving and receiving – corporate and business entities aside; they have engineered the giving and taking to go in the same direction… theirs!  – reminds me of the time I was Robin Hood. When I say ‘I was R.H.’ I mean when I stood in for Robin Hood in his Sherwood Forest Heyday.
I was down at the Nottingham labour exchange filling in my dole form when the Fat Bastard – not Fat Jo Hockem – Fat Fryer Truck poked his head in the shack to ask for a refill on some Lincoln Green leotards. Now, quite proudly, I admit to having nice legs – they are shapely and nicely well-defined below the knee  - and when I flashed them at the fat bastard he said… “You’ll do!”
It seemed that Robin had got himself a hernia and, having just met a fair maiden whose name escapes me for the moment, he was hoping to present himself at his best; something he didn’t quite feel with his hernia poking out through his forest-dweller rigging.
If I say that I think I made a good Robin Hood replacement I mean that superficially. I looked downright dashing, I did, I thought, and I also thought I had a grip on the business, too. But, as always, my level of operation also tends to be... superficial; a bit shallow; not too deep. It seemed simple enough: steal from the rich and give to the poor. I loved the idea and went straight to work.
Here comes the carriage to Nottingham along the forest road. Clippity Clop Clippity Clop, rumble rumble.
Me: “Bail up, Driver or I’ll have your eye out with me pig-sticker.”
Brakes applied, coach halts.
“You, the fat rich constable in the back, give me all your dough and stuff.”
He hands it over.
“You, coachman, are you comfortably well off?”
"Nah. I’m firkin broke, dude. I’m living off the meagre tips I get from these tight-arsed posh lumps and I have to eat horse shit for breakfast and dinner.
“Right. Here. Have this money.”
“Whee….! I’m rich.”
“Excellent… Hey, what’s the matter with you?”  (to the passenger who was now blubbering like a seal getting eaten by a shark).
“I’ve lost all my money and jewellery; now I’m poor.”
“Right. Hey You! Rich constable up the front. Give me all your dough and jools or I will give you a Chinese burn on each arm!”
“Ahh, bother!  Back to eating horse shit.”
Well, this went back and forth for some time till fellow forestry-based social worker Good Will Huntingdon stepped in and pointed out, with the aid of a portable bit of forest across the back of my head, that it’s best to divvy the loot among a number of poor folk, which was how the system seems to work better.
That sounded like a reasonable suggestion. However, when I got control of the loot again and started to identify poor folk who might be worthy recipients I remembered that I, too, was poor. But, on my way to cash converters with the gold and jools I was interrupted again by Good Fukn Will Huntingdon and another of his pieces of portable forest.
Guinevere. That’s who it was. No, Hang on a minute. Maid Marion; that’s the woman in question. Cracker of a bird; love to have a shot on her meself.
Anyhow, when I regained consciousness I saw that I was back at camp, de-mobbed and being given the push. Robin Hood was back in charge. Turns out the hernia wasn’t as serious as it first appeared.  The lads, living in the forest for so long, don’t often come in close contact with members of the opposite sex and Robin, having got the grope (tops and tails) on a sheila – the said Maid of Marion and Surrounding Localites -  for the first time since puberty had cracked a pioneer stiffy which was misinterpreted as an lethal hernia. A visit to the hospital and an encounter with a cold spoon had set the whole thing to rights.
For R.H., that is. Me … I’m back on the dole queue. Broke, but still got nice legs, though, even without the leotards.

 

 
Mr Brown at the Goolwa Sailing CLub Print E-mail
Thursday, 18 December 2014

Sample ImageSteve Brown Band at the Goolwa Sailing Club this Sunday – December 21 at 1 pm.

Yes, I know; most of us musicians will just be getting out of bed at that time of a Sunday so I spoze we’ll still be in our pyjamas. However, I’m happy to be seen in my pyjamas; they are patterned with Scottish tartan and splattered with porridge. Hang on… I don’t eat porridge…! So… what is that stuff?
Oh!
Yecchh!!

 

 

 

 

BSide Magazine....  local music, CD reviews and entertainment guide.

Sample ImageBSide magazine is now distributed to more than 250 venues in Adelaide. Pick it up at a venue - check out the $60 band/entertainers' ads.

See:   http://bsidemagazine.com.au/contact/ ; Other contacts: (08) 8346 989;   This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

 

 

Producers Hotel –

TSample Imagehis looks interesting:  Coming up this Saturday night (December 20), the Producers Hotel is hosting the 50 Years of Mod End of year party!

Think The Rolling Stones, The Yardbirds, Small Faces, The Stone Roses - and endless more mid 60's British bands with "The" in their names.   
Festivities kick off at 1pm with a whole stack of Adelaide's finest Mod Bands and DJ's providing the entertainment alongside some awesome visual displays specially commissioned for the day and loads of stalls with Vintage Fashion - Classic Records and all manner of Bits and Bobs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BONNIE LEE GALEA  CD LAUNCH -  6pm FRIDAY, DECEMBER 19, at THE JADE MONKEY

Sample ImageFINALLY, 15 years into her singing career the captivating Adelaide born Bonnie Lee Galea eleases her debut CD ‘Since I Fell For You’.
Kick back in a delightful, colourful atmosphere at The Jade Monkey & enjoy interpretations of songs & stories, drawn from Bonnie’s favorite female vocalists.
Joining Bonnie will be her band JAZZ in CHEEK with:
Quinton Dunne (double bass & vocals),
David Fitzgerald (keys),
Peter Allan (drums, congas & percussion),
David Burvill-Holmes (sax & flute)
CD LAUNCH -  6pm FRIDAY, DECEMBER 19, at THE JADE MONKEY
160 FLINDERS ST, CITY.  FREE ENTRY & LUCKY DOOR PRIZES

 

 

 

 

Rockin at the Magill Club

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Some of Adelaide’s finest are playing a gig at the Magill club on Saturday December 20.  This is a pub/party type gig so put on your drinking hat and your dancing shoes and support these fine musos and this great club. Hosted by Gumbo Yaya - Eric, Charlie, Chris, Robbie, Richard, and Friends will see you there !  Uren Street, Magill (Behind the Tower Hotel).

 

 

AMC Sessions at Mortlock Chamber February 9

Sample Image A big one for sure!! well, the poster is big enough. But that's so you can read it and I won't have to type in all the details. 

Oh... all right. I'll put in some stuff: 

It has The Masters Apprentices, the Twilights, Bev Harrell, Doug Ashdown, Heidi Eiderdown (Nah.... just made that up), John Brewster, Shooey, Rockin' Fukken Rob Fukken Riley, Peter Combe, Nit Comb (made that up, too), Chris Finnen, The Timbers, Vincent's Chair, Vinnie's Clothes Rack (I can't help myself), The Baker Suite, The 3-pce Lounge suite (Stop it!), The Beggars, The Buggers (Sorry, really sorry.) and Brillig. Then fine print fine print fine print some logos and shit.

 

I know it seems like we're getting in early but, read this (from the promoter):

Only 120 tickets available (er... much less now....) and no door list, door tickets or comps on this one. So, get a fukn move on....  It will sell out quickly... it is a unique event...in an unique setting. www.trybooking.com/112033

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Orianthi  at  The Gov

Sample Image

Adelaide-born, platinum selling solo artist Orianthi is performing one show only at The Gov on Sunday, December 21.

BLURB: Living in Los Angeles since 2006, Orianthi is also known for lending her killer licks and solid rock chops to a number of high profile bands. She has been touring with Alice Cooper for over three years and more recently with former Bon Jovi guitarist, Richie Sambora. Last year, she performed with Chris Brown at the Billboard Music Awards and paid tribute to Carlos Santana, performing in the Kennedy Center Honors Gala for President Obama.
Her wrap sheet blah blah blah blah... come and see/hear Orianthi  at  The Gov | Sun 21 Dec. Tickets: $51 + Booking Fee | Doors open @ 7:30 pm. http://www.thegov.com.au/index.php/gig_guide

 

 

Help for Wikipedia - donate five bucks now

DEAR WIKIPEDIA READERS:   "To protect our independence, we'll never run ads. We survive on donations averaging about $15. Only a tiny portion of our readers give. If everyone reading this right now gave $3, our fundraiser would be done within an hour. That’s right, the price of a cup of coffee is all we need. We’re a small non-profit with costs of a top website: servers, staff and programs. Wikipedia is something special. It is like a library or a public park where we can all go to learn. If Wikipedia is useful to you, take one minute to keep it online and ad-free. Thank you."

 

 

 The Wheatie

Sample ImageBoxing Day with a Configuration of Cosmonauts

The BLURB: Is it The Raging Cosmonauts, The Lonely Thirst or even perhaps The Thirsty Cosmonauts? We’re not really sure but the Boxing Day tradition at the Wheaty continues this year with Don Morrison’s Raging Thirst hosting a line up of distinguished guests from the previous hosts of this auspicious event, The Lonely Cosmonauts.  It will be a lot of fun but in a slightly subdued way that befits the date. Come and recover, forget or renew whilst opening your gifts! Friday 26 December
Time: 8.00 PM

          GT Stringer  ---   ATENCIONE!!!...

Sample ImageSaturday December 27 will see Le “GT STRINGER” appearing @ The Wheatsheaf Hotel sporting some new tunes and the full line up of Tristen Andrews, James Biege, Trevor Ramsey, Dennis Kipridis, Gil Atkinson and Nick Kipridis. Come and hear some of the finest Diablo-instro tunes this side of Semaphore Spit!!!
 
https://www.facebook.com/pages/GT-Stringer/339053382857168

 

 

 

 

 

 

Syn at Sunset….

Sample Image

See the poster … keep rockin’ over the holiday break at Leaconfield (wherever that is...) with the Satellites.

 Syn @ Sunset with The Satellites on Saturday December 27,
Leconfield Wines McLaren Vale - 439 Main Road McLaren Vale
6pm – 9pm  Ph: 8323 8830

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A new Dubble-Butt Horizon


The sun was late rising…. Strange.  I looked out the window. It appeared as though a huge, mungoid mountain range had crept up overnight and was sitting on the horizon,  holding back the daybreak.
I rang my friend, Jeff. Jeff knows something about everything.
“What the fuks goin’ on, Jeff? Two humungous mountains have arrived on the horizon and they are blocking out the sun.”
“Yeah, I heard on the radio it’s the Kimberleys.”
“The Kimberley fukken ranges… on our horizon??? What was it? An earthquake???? And I slept through it????”
“Nah.  It’s all the personality-additcted numpties on the inteweb and commercial media, man."
“Yeah….? So…?”
“Well, the numpties have some strange fascination with Kim Kardashian’s arse – you know, the big lumps of fat she is using to drive her businesses machine – and their interest is so crazy and overboard it has now pushed her blobby, greasy buttocks onto everybody’s horizon.”
“So… that’s Kim Kardashian’s quoit… blocking out the sun?”
“Yep.”
“Fuk that. I‘m gonna do something about it.”
“Like what....? It’s the adipose-arsed zero-talent using the interweb and commercial media to make more cash for Dash. What can you do?   Start a petition?”
“Yes. That’s exactly what I will do!”
I started a petition but, tragically and ironically, that only made things worse. The numpties protests and 'media' response raised Kim Kardashian’s cash flow and her monstrous date even further above the horizon… dangerously far.
“Oh, God no! Now its ….  it’s….”
“OHHHHHH! Cellulite…………!! I can see oily cellulite!!! Aaarrrgh!!!!!
Bleurghghgh! And there’s worse it to come….. Look! There’s a ginormous black hole appearing…..  Heavens above, you know how dangerous those things are!!!!   The earth will be sucked into that black hole - whole!”
“Don’t look now, but, if that thing doesn’t stop rising on our horizon, it might get worse….”
“How much worse could it get???”
“Well, if the numpties’ obsession keeps escalating, it could raise Kardashian’s arse even higher and then we might be affronted by the…”
“Oh, no… ! Not the….”
“Yessss, the Crack of Dash!  Then the entire solar system could be at risk. Perhaps the galaxy!”
Aaaaiiiieeeeeee! (again) We need help. HELP!!!!
“Yes. But who - or whom – do we get…?  We need someone who is accustomed to dealing with….”
“Go on… say it.”
“Do  I need to? It seems unnecessary.”
“Say it…. there’s no point leaving it open to interpretation.”
“Ok…. We need someone who  –  or whom – is accustomed to dealing with arseholes.”
“BIG annoying arseholes.”
“Right.  Get Wombat man.”
Wombat Man -  he eats, roots and leaves … eventually.
Wombat man is dragged off of his wife’s sister and had the situation explained to him.
“Well, you’re stuffed, then aren’t you - us.... we’re stuffed.  It’s the personality-additcted  numpties on the interweb and commercial media, isn’t it???  And there’s more of them than there are hairs on Sue Jones-Davies minge.”
“But surely you can do something…?  Those buttocks have risen so high on our horizon they block out the sun till noon. And, now, right in the middle of them, there’s that enormous black hole that is a danger to … well, shipping and stuff.”
“Yes, I can see that. Well, I can’t fight the personality-additcted numpties but I can try make things a bit more bearable. I will need a white king.”
“What… like Richard Branson….. the White King of Engerland?”
“Or Rupert the White Wizard… ???”
“No. He’s a Wizard, not a King. Look, just give me some dough and I will sort out something.”
“Promise?”
“Depends on the size of the pile of dough you give me.”
“Have a big pile, it’s coming out of Fat Joe Hockem’s budget bucket.”
“So... it’s not real money…?”
“Is anything about Joe’s budget money real?”
“OK. Just give me the dough. I’ll spend it before it either escalates or evaporates.”
A pile of dubious dough is transferred to Wombat man’s account and he sets about constructing a huge, extremely big rocket ship.
“Wow... that is a huge and extremely big shoket rip. Are you gonna shoot it straight at the black hole?”
“Yep.”
“Will that destroy the black hole and help get rid of those massive greasy buttocks?”
“There’s no rocket or bomb big enough to destroy them buttocks, Bub. No, the rocket is carrying a trillion litres of white king bleach and lemon juice that I will dump into the black hole.
“Will that hurt it?”
“I am sure it will sting a bit. But its job is to bleach the ghastly thing. If I have to look at an arsehole every morning I want it to be a clean one. Now… who was I doing before you called me?”

 

 

 

 

"Umm... excuse me Mr Wombat Man."
"What?"
"Umm ... who  is Sue Jones-Davies?"

 

 

 

 
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