Aint' it lovely all those people in the newspapers are suddenly concerned about men's health. So am i. Mine.

“Oy! What’s goin’ on back there? What’s takin' you so long, fer fuk's sake?”
“Ah, sorry, mate; I just lost me wedding ring. I’m having a bit of a scratch around to try to find it.”
“How could you lose your wedding ring in there? Aren’t you supposed to be wearing rubber gloves?”
“Umm, yeah. But I ran outa gloves; I just used a bit of cling wrap round me hand but me fingers went through it.”
“What the fuk....!”
“Hup! Its ok, found the ring. All done. Sorry for the muck around; your quoit might be sore for a little while, but.”
“What...like a day or so?”
“Yeah.  Nah...  prolly a month or ... maybe longer.”
“Fer fuk’s sake!!!!!! That’s the last time I get a fukkin proctologist out of the Classified Ads!”

But at least I’m being pro-active about men’s health. Now I’d like oll of youse to be proactive about your entertainment requirements for the near future.
Starting with Friday May 14, Walking the Line – Australia’s Number 1 Johnny Cash Show will be boom-chikka boom-chikkering at the Stonyfell Winery.  It’s always a good night with Johnny Cash, especially now he’s deader than a “work choices” terminology but liable to be resurrected in another form – like by Rohan Powell. And June Carter comes back as Amber Joy Poulton. And the Tennessee two come back as the Nickel-plated Testicles or something – no, I reckon I’ve got that wrong. The Walking the Line band featuring some guys who don’t rate a mention.

Also, there's a string of gigs from Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers who have teamed up with Heather Stewart for these dates:   Friday, May 14, HEATHER STEWART, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will be Live at Lefties (Whyalla)
 Then, Saturday, May 15, HEATHER STEWART, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will zoom back to Adelaide for a shot at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, Thebarton.
 Sunday, May 16, still in their travelling duds, HEATHER STEWART, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will hop into the tour bus and scram out to the Semaphore Worker’s Club (at Semaphore) for 5pm to 8 pm sunset show. Don’t know who the fuk is Heather Stewart? Neither did I, but I know a little more now thanks to the interweb where I found this: “you’ll gasp in awe at the size of this guy’s schlong! Be amazed as it….” Oops. Wrong interweb thingy. try this:  http://www.myspace.com/heatherstewartmusic

If you just want to pull down your pants and have a good time get along to Finn McCool’s on Saturday Night May 15 for Warp Factor 4, playing all the misses that could have been hits if more people had liked them. Nah.. that’s not true. Well, not all of it. Warp Factor 4 play from 9 pm to 1 am. That’s right people…till one am… in the morning. Have you ever stayed up that late before? I did when I was waiting for Santa. I won't relate the sad tale of my disappoinment as the veil of sweet fantasy was ripped from my eyes that awful night last year.

Sunday May 16 the Wine Underground (Coopers 1862 Bar, Pirie Street, the City) will feature the  Streamliners. Live music starts arond 5 pm and goes till 8.

Moving on.... A blues living legend is on his way here for a bunch of shows.  Matt ‘The Chain’ Taylor is gearing up for a fistful of gigs starting May 20.   According to the blurb supplied, "Matt Taylor promises an evening of Australian rhythm and blues..."
I stay away from promising things. But Matt is a little more sincere than I am. It goes on to say:

"Matt has been busy on the East Coast, touring consistently, but is looking forward to getting together with Chris Finnen, Trapper, and Frank for the first time in a year to play the blues.
Matt remains one of the key figures in developing the Australian blues scene, from his beginnings in Brisbane outfit Bay City Union through various Chain line-ups and his long solo career.    
Chain is the foremost exponent of Aussie Blues and features long time Taylor friend Chris Finnen, on guitar, Frank Lang on bass and Trapper on drums."

 Here’s where they will be:

Thurs 20th May Beach House Cafe Victor Harbor.
Fri 21st Sandy Creek Hotel, Sandy Creek.
Sun 23rd  Semaphore Workers Club, Esplanade , Semaphore.

Getting in early: Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers will be at the GIlbert Street Hotel Thursday May 20

Honky Tonk Angels will be at the Wheatsheaf Hotel on Friday  May 21   

Pan!c will be at the Daniel O'Connell Hotel on Saturday May 22 (Nyah! Nyah! Told you so, Slipp!)

The Steve Brown Band will be at the Bacchus Bar on Saturday May 22  

So fill in your diary now! You're going to have more fun than Germaine Greer at a knacker's yard.

You could probably fix the international monetary crisis with stuff you’d find in a woman’s handbag. It fixed my spectacles after I was viciously set upon by a crazed diva sheila. Briefly, a bunch of us was up in Katherine for a big country music concerty thing and we were all in the dressing tent putting on our clown suits and tassels for our turn in the spotlight. Then, all I said to one of the leading ladies was: “Christ woman, if your arse gets any bigger you could apply for council permission to subdivide and sublet it for twice the rent!”. She must of misunderstood me and punched me in the face, popping the lens out of my spectacles and busting them good and proper.  (Photo right- what I looked like after she punched me; spectacles awry and I was really crying, too.) However, all the queen’s horses and all the kings men couldn’t put my spectacles back together again until “Dolly Parton” rummaged in her handbag and found the glue she uses to attach her insect-thrashing eyelashes to her face.  Not only did it stick the lens back in place, but here it is three days after the event and still holding! (Photo left - specs still held together with 'eyelash glue')  I swear if you were washed up on a desert island with “Dolly’s” handbag you’d be running your own TV station on nuclear power within a week!

 The Big one for the week - Bex Marshall VS Blues AvenueTrio

Bigger than big - it's LARGE. This week we have, on Friday night, a one-off Blues and Roots knees-up. Bex Marshall, British visitor who will leave mouths agape with her dazzling resonator guitar playing and uninhibited singing, will be teaming up with the Blues Avenue Trio for a night of rootin’ and tootin’ the Blues at the  Whitmore Hotel. Yes, the one on Whitmore Square! No, there won’t be nude ladies dropping their tits in your pint. No, no-one will take their clothes off and waggle their shaven havens at you. Just music is all you get. Good music. And beer.

Saturday May 8 Fowler’s Live arcs up with the Emergenza Band competition. Band to watch is Chalk Hill who will do their thing till it drops off at 10.30.

Sunday May 9 – Mother’s Day.  It’s a time to remember our dear mummies – in most cases they are the older person who raised you. If you are having trouble locating the old dear in your RAM, she’s the one who told you to ‘leave yourself alone or you will end  up in the insane asylum, gibbering and dribbling like your father’; she’s the one who made you wear those ridiculous clothes to the class party where you were laughed  at till you urinated down your leg and into your sandals; she’s the one who made you 'eat your boiled cabbage or no pudding!'; she’s the one…. You’re absolutely right! The shotgun is in the hall closet and the shells are under the bed! I’ll start digging a six-foot hole in the garden.

Christ, I’ve forgotten what I was doing….Oh,Yes!  Sunday May 9 is Double Wammy Day at the Wine Underground. Five pm kickoff - that’s when  the Princes of Power Soul will frighten you back to your mother’s womb! That’s a scary thought if your mum’s as old as mine. Eeeeuuuuurgghh!

 The Wine Underground is at Coopers 1862 bar, Pirie Street.

Start Making Plans............. FRIDAY 21^ST MAY 2010,  Honky Tonk Angels - the Loretta Lynn Story -  for one night only at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, Thebarton. To be precise: 39 George Street, Thebarton, SA 5031

Phone: (08) 8443 4546 for information or bookings. Fax: (08) 8351 7712

Website: www.wheatsheafhotel.com.au

Photo right: Amber Joy Poulton (Loretta Lynn in Honky Tonk Angels) trying out one of the latest nostril hair removing devices- The Nasa-laza - shortly before she was rushed to hospital with 2nd degree burns to the conk.