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Fringe is getting in my eyes! Print E-mail
Thursday, 17 January 2013

I had a bit of a tussle with technology in my previous mail-out but this time I am using the old system that I know works….. Blue Ring News says fuk the new crap, the email that my dad used in the ‘60’s was much better than the Chinese-made crap that falls apart in two days. There. Now:

Sample ImageSunday at the Gilbert Street Hotel:  The Gilbert Street Hotel features Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers – the gurus of the double voodoo blues – on Sunday arvo!  Get in for good times, good food and great music.

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageJohn Earl Walker + JJ Fields Friday January 18 The Wheatsheaf Hotel

Sample ImageGuitarist, lyricist, and vocalist John Earl Walker became enamoured with the blues at age 13, after being exposed to records by legendary guitarists of the genre such as Albert King, Magic Sam, T-Bone Walker, and Freddie King. By his 16th birthday, Walker had already begun playing guitar at local events and in clubs whenever possible. In 1967 he formed the blues-rock band the Plastic People, which included bassist Pete Harris and guitarist Joey Tremelo. Three years later the Plastic People changed their name to Plum Nelly, recorded several albums for Capitol Records in the mid-'70s, and gained national exposure opening shows for B.B. King, Muddy Waters, Alice Cooper, and Iggy Pop, to name just a few. Following the breakup of Plum Nelly in 1976, Walker formed the first of several incarnations of the John Earl Walker Band. See: http://www.johnearlwalkerband.com

 

 

Sample ImageThe Beggars Saturday January 19 at the Wheatshef Hotel

'The Banjo Song' from their The Beggars sound is often compared to legendary Australian group the seekers. Their debut 2006 album “Beggars” caught the ears of European DJs and yielded the hit songs 'Preacher I Have Sinned' and 'Kangaroo'.

2009 album “Desert Flower” gave them their first European Country Music number 1 . 'Turn Turn Turn' and 'The Whale' from the Dreams and Australian Songbook Albums have made multiple entries onto the iTunes charts in Canada, Germany and Australia.

See: http://beggars.com.au

COMA Summer Sessions: Sam Leske + Aaron McCoullough Quartet Monday January 21 - the Wheatsheaf Hotel

The legendary C.O.M.A Sessions have been a fixture at The Wheaty since 2005. C.O.M.A is a musician-led, musician-focused, member based not-for-profit association. It presents a unique opportunity for the creative development and artistic endeavour of a broad range of Australian composers and performers. It is committed to presenting and raising the profile of original music in Adelaide, and indeed Australia.   See:  coma.net.au

 

 Sample ImageStart thinking about this now:   

Joanne Shaw Taylor Australian Tour 2013

This is what Joe Boungiorno or whatever said about Joanne Shaw Taylor: There are a lot of great guitarists and singers in the blues today, what I see in Joanne Shaw Taylor that sets her apart from the rest is the ability to write a great song. Not only is she a killer guitarist and singer, but you find yourself walking away from her shows singing her songs as well.” Joe Bonamassa

 

Sample ImageSo it was Joe Bonamassa that said it.  Anyway,   what he said is spot on. Dynamic and exciting blues player, lusty vocals, and appears to have a very nice collection of guitars. I particularly like the Tele with the neck humbucker. Find her in youtube - don't bother with the appearance with that sheila from the Eurythmics... sort of just a positioning statement - check out the clips with her band. And here’s the date to look out for:

Joanne Shaw Taylor,  Monday 18th February (The Adelaide Fringe Festival)

The Governor Hindmarsh, Hindmarsh, SA

7:00pm, $25 + BF presale, $30 Door or: Tickets: www.thegov.com.au

 

 

Sample ImageGetting serious now – tickets are moving and it would be a shame to miss this show:   John Schumann and the Vagabond Crew on stage at the Space Theatre (during the Festival Centre’s Session season.)

AT the drop of an Akubra Shooey and The Vagabond Crew can trot out a sugar-bagful of powerful and uplifting songs  - and a couple of cheeky ditties - not only from his Redgum days but also from Behind the Lines; Lawson; Gelignite Jack; Etched in Blue and True Believers. They have been travelling around the country and overseas for the past couple of years peddling the message that Australian music is good music and they are going to do it right here in li’l ol’ sleepytown.  Book now through: http://www.adelaidefestivalcentre.com.au/whats-on/john-schumann-and-the-vagabond-crew-sessions.aspx

  

 

THE FRINGE - It’s getting closer than Grandma’s chops for a slobbery birthday kiss and the good shows sell out fast. Here's a couple that have sold out in previous years and my suggestion to you is to book now.

 

 Sample Image

Honk Tonk Angels - The Story of Loretta Lynn & Friends

  A Musical Cabaret treat - Loretta Lynn (played by Amber Joy Poulton) shares her favourite songs and stories from her life as country music's most loved performer. You won't be able to sit still as she performs a string of country mega-hits plus the songs of her girlfriends Tammy, Dolly, Patsy and more. It's country music heaven at the Regal Theatre (Kensington Rd).

Blurb: LORETTA LYNN, PATSY CLINE, TAMMY WYNETTE, DOLLY PARTON;  They were friends, Queens of Country Music & real women….
In 'Honky Tonk Angels', Miss Loretta Lynn, (played by look-alike Country Queen, Miss Amber Joy Poulton), comes to town & shares some of her favourite music & stories from her life & times as one of country music's most loved performers.   You will hear the songs of her girlfriends, Patsy, Tammy & Dolly & you will not be able to sit still as this country legend performs her greatest hits as well as a string of knee-slappin' country mega-hits, from hill-billy to city-slick. 'Honky Tonk Angels' relives the amazing story of this remarkable woman, her friendships, her contribution to music & the progression of women...in the country as well as the city.

Sessions:   Saturday February 16 (7.30 pm) and Sunday February 17 (2.00 pm)

AT:              The Regal Theatre,  75 Kensington Rd,  Kensington Park

Seen around Australia Honky Tonk Angels is always a sell out – Book Now!!!  http://www.adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/honky-tonk-angels-the-story-of-loretta-lynn-and-friends/4431d7d8-4e8d-4c26-afaa-d53d1b94f17b

 

A Journey Through the Past...

is one hour of musical theatre with a twist. It is based on the book “Neil and Me” by Scott Young (1918-2005), a well-known sports and Sample Imagenovel writer in Canada but perhaps less known here as the father of Neil Young ,one of the most influential figures in popular music.

A Journey Through the Past stars Patrick Frost as Scott Young who engages the audience with an intimate dialogue.....he is the narrator of the performance...  slowly revealing many thought provoking insights into the parallels between his own fascinating life and times and that of his more famous son. It’s Scott’s story!...his feelings , his regrets, his guilt, his feelings of connectedness with his son as a chance- taking maverick, his musing on his absence as a father affecting or even propelling Neil to be a great, original/non compromising artist (like father/like son !).

Each monologue segues into a song by Neil Young, chosen for its lyrical content echoing Scott’s revelations. Be aware that A Journey Through the Past is NOT a Neil Young tribute show. The songs have been re-interpreted, re-arranged and presented in a fresh and dramatic light as a natural continuation and extension of the narrative.

 

A Journey ThroughThe Past plays:    MONDAY 18TH FEBRUARY 2013 (7.30PM) and TUESDAY 19TH FEBRUARY 2013  (8.00PM)  at THE PROMETHEAN-116 GROTE ST ADELAIDE.  This show was a sell-out at the 2012 Fringe and will be one of the must-see items in this year’s line-up.  Book Now online through Adelaide Fringe Website(http://www.adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/a-journey-through-the-past/93ae6a8a-326c-4ea3-834f-b30f302be82e)   or phone Venuetix(http://www.venuetix.com.au/)

 

 Sample ImageUpcoming at Guthries:

The Moor Rose - Saturday 2nd February, 8:00pm

The Moor Rose return to Guthries with their Acoustic - World - Folk - Fusion for a concert with special guest Sasha Louise (from Sasha &The Dawnhorse) performing her gorgeous, poetic songs.  This will be a great night, including the awesome rhythms of percussionist Anne Harrington (Akoustic Odyssey) playing with cellist David Rose and singer-songwriter, composer and multi-instrumentalist Stuart Rose.

 Rich, raw, deep and resonant - Rory McLeod (UK); GUTHRIES, Wednesday 6th February. 8:00pm

The fabulous Rory McLeod returns to Australia for his first tour since 2008 with his latest album ‘Swings and Roundabouts’.  Rory is a truly unique modern travelling troubadour weaving his Cockney spruik into highly rhythmic Latin/ reggae/ blues inspired music, a one man soul band and once seen never forgotten.

His truly unique performance style includes using tap shoes, acapella, harmonica, guitar, trombone, spoons, finger cymbals, and whatever else he can get his hands on!. Rory has played harmonica and guitar with MICHELLE SHOCKEDANI DI FRANCO, BUTCH HANCOCK, MICHAEL FRANTI, TOWNES VAN ZANDT, with the West-African guitarist ALI FARKE-TOURE and TAJ MAHAL.
 

"REMEMBERING THE LEGENDS" - GUTHRIES, FRIDAY 8TH FEBRUARY, 8:00PM

Sample ImageAn entertaining two-part show starring "Mr Versatile"himself - Craig Giles (photo right); the "Southern Songbird - Kinta; and "Rising Star of the Future"- Nathan Bruhn.


These three exciting entertainers will bring you their own unique styles of Music & fun and then present tributes to three of the “greats” of country music. JOHNNY CASH,  JUNE CARTER & PATSY CLINE.  This will be, a show to remember !  Book your tickets now!

FOR MORE INFORMATION AND TICKETS FOR GUTHRIES EVENTS VISIT WWW.DRAMATIX.COM.AU/FOLKFEDERATION 

 

 

Hairy pothead

You don’t hear much from Harry Potter these days, do you?  I suppose he doesn’t get out much now that he’s married with children. Maybe he’s put on his cardigan and slippers and living in Adelaide, writing letters to the council about the noise coming from the witches coven up the road, whingeing about the racket they make in the broomstick park when screeching off after a session of spelling and myths. If you are feeling the lack of some illogical wizardy stuff I recommend you read:

Hairy Pothead and the Brown Paper bag.

 Hairy Pothead, Ron Measley and Whiney Hymengrinder have spent a year or two pointlessly wandering in some joint that looks like outer Mongolia looking for some bits of spoof or something that belong to that whitish-looking bloke without a nose. Now read on.... or back click to eBay or the porn site you were on before thisturned up in your inbox.

“Hairy… when are you going to find the missing bits of Lord Volvodriver so we can put an end to this boring blblical analogy of wandering in the wilderness?”

“Give it a rest, Whiney, I’m trying to look worried. Ron …can’t you do a magic spell to make me look more worried.”

“Phththththpppppt….Thrrrpppp!”

“Measley, that’s disgusting. He meant make a magic spell .... with your wand.”

“Cant.”

“That’s right. You only know two spells and both of them start with Abracadabra!”

 “Shut up, Whiney. I can’t because my wand’s fukked. I just upgraded the core bit to Windows 8 and it’s lost all me basic spells.  You’re pretty handy with the sillystick, Whiney… you do a spell.”

“I can’t either. I got the latest version of iWand and I have to buy a basic spell program with all the upgrades to make it work.”

“BloodyHell. At least mine still works a bit… watch this:"  Zoing! Zoing!

“Stop that, Measley! You shouldn't use magic to make my tits bigger!  POTHEAD! Do something!!”

“I am. I just heard from Dobber the Elluf, who has magically appeared beside me, that the last missing bit of Lord Volvodriver is living in a whore’s crutch or something. Thanks Dobber, here’s a used band-aid.”

"Mr Pothead is so kind and generous. I will magic up a vat of gringotts gold for him…”

“Hey... what about me…. I gave you something too!!!”

"Dobber did not need a boogie with ginger nostril hair, Mr Measley. Now I must disappear before I am asked to do something else with my far superior magic to help you succeed.”  Foof!

"Lucky old Volvodriver, eh?  Living in a whore’s crutch… Bloody Hell, Eh, Hairy?  And old Whiney over there won’t even let me touch her mouse’s ear. Again.”

"Shut up, Measely.”

“Shut up, yourself!  Here, watch this:  Biggus Tittus! “ Zoing Zoing!! “Biggus Tittus a bit more!”  ZOING ZOING!  snap!!

“You turd, Gingernuts. Now my bra is busted.”

“You wear a bra? Bloody Hell…”

“Will you stop it you two. Let's go to the Leaky Bladder, find that whore and catch Lord Volvodriver‘s bit up to its hubcaps.”

They magicked themselvs to the Leaky Bladder leaving dummoes like me wondering why they didn't just magic up the bits a long time ago and ... well... just leave it alone.  They kicked in the door of one of the Leaky Bladder's motel rooms and caught Lord Volvodriver's thingo at it. Whiney Hymengrinder grabbed it by the tail and yanked it out.

Phloooooophp!

"Got it…."

"Great… now what do we do with it? Stab it with a digestive biscuit? Drown it in Botterbeer? What do you reckon, Hairy... after being at a top wizard's school for the past ten years....? You'll have a few clues, won't you?? Dong it with a wand and turn it  into ambergris...?"

"No… according to Dobber…."

"How the fuk are you getting all this stuff from  Dobber?   I thought he'd fukked off... where is the little treasure hunt? He can do some magic shit for me....."

“ACCORDING to Dobber,  he said Professor Stumblebum told him from the grave that the only person who can destroy the last bit of Lord Volvodriver is a dirty, slimy, greasy, untrustworthy, namby-pamby…”

Professor Snipe!” in chorus.

“You both get the medal.”

“But Snipe won’t destroy Voldemort’s bits…. He’s a Power-ranger or sumpthin. A crocksucker… A turd eater....”

“Ron…. Whiney….. It’s taken me two movies and about six hours of dead boring screen time but...  I have a plan."

“Big deal…. I have scabies.”

“You Bastard, Measely!!! So... that’s who I got them from!!!”

“Shut up, the pair of yez. Give us your lunch bag, Ron. Whiney, can that iWand of yours manage one spell without having to buy an upgrade for the fukken thing?"

“Yes…"

"Right... Bring that bit of Lord Volvodriver and follow me."

Later.

" Bloody Hell, Hairy. What were we doing hiding behind the hedge at Professor Snipe’s joint?”

“And why have your put Lord Volvodriver’s dangly bit in Ron's brown paper bag on Sniupe's doorstep?”

“Be patient, the pair of yez.  Ron… use your wand to ring Snipe’s doorbell.”

Bing Bong Bing Bong… bong Bing Big Bong.

“Whiney… set fire to the paper bag with your wand - Now!”

Foof.

A bare moment later Professor Snipe appeared in the doorway and shrieked when he saw the fire on his doorstep. Reacting as any proud but greasy-haired homeowner would he stomped on the burning bag to extinguish the flame.

“OWWW… EEEEEK…. ARRGGGH! Erk.“Oh no,” shouted Snipe.   “What have I done?”

“Ha, Ha… Ha, Ha!” shouted Pothead from behind the hedge…. “You’ve stomped the shit out of the last of Lord Volvodriver’s whore’s-crutches and you’re cursed for ever. At least… your shoes are because you’ve got the fukker's goo all stuck in the tread of your sneakers and it sticks like shit to a blanket, mate!”

“Ahhhhhhh… Noooooo…… my good house slippers!”

Well, folks. That’s it.  Released from his wanderings in the desert Potter wasted no time porking Measley’s sister – well..... having waited politely for her to reach the age of porkability, of course – and Whiney Hymengrinder downloaded the biggusdikkus app onto her iWand and smacked Ronald Measley in the groin with the magic stick.

“If I’m gonna get hosed out by that ginger-nutted crybaby I want something that touches the sides.”

The end, we hope.

 
 
Get in the swing with some of the best in Roots and Blues this week Print E-mail
Monday, 07 January 2013

Sample ImageThursday January 10 and it’s Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers at the Gilbert Street Hotel. The Gilbert is a little hotbed of rootsy music and turns out a very good plate of food – especially the Buffalo Wings which are so popular you may even have to pre-book your 1kilo bowl of the little buggers! James and Rob supply the Double Voodoo Blues.

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageBlues Avenue Duo, Regattas,  Friday January 11 – city slickers, you can cruise on down to the Regattas bar after your hectic week of selling off assets and infrastructure to wealthy foreign countries and enjoy the jumping sounds of the Blues Avenue Duo. It swings, it shakes it shuffles… it’s acoustic blues with a swing. 5.30 kick off.

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageSunday Jan 19 The Beggars are at the Wheatie for a night of acoustic goodness.

  Sample Image

 

 Roll up; roll up for the greatest show this year.  John Schumann and the Vagabond Crew take to the stage at the Space Theatre during the Festival Centre’s Session season. 

Sample ImageYes – I know you remember Redgum – had the same problem myself and sorted it out with some antiseptic mouthwash – but let me tell you… allow me to inform you  that there is more to this character than you hear once a year on ANZAC day.  Shooey and The Vagabond Crew trot out a sugar-bagful of powerful and uplifting songs  - and a couple of cheeky ditties - not only from his Redgum days but also from Behind the Lines; Lawson; Gelignite Jack; Etched in Blue and True Believers. Yes… you’ll probably hear A walk in the Light Green but with different ears. Older, for a start. And you’ll hear a whole lot more from the crusty, peripatetic balladeer and his band of menstruals, Minstrels:   the Vagabond Crew, which is now a well-travelled versatile band that boasts some mightiest Australia rock/pop heavyweights. You’ll love it – I do.  Book through: http://www.adelaidefestivalcentre.com.au/whats-on/john-schumann-and-the-vagabond-crew-sessions.aspx

 

 

Sample ImageFringe events – a couple to consider

 

It’s getting closer and the good shows sell out fast. Here is a couple that have sold out in previous years and my suggestion is to book now.

 Hit the Fringe Website and check out new venues - The Depot has two venues in one location and plenty of action!

 

 

 

 

 Honky Tonk Angels - The Story Of Loretta Lynn & Friends

  Sample ImageA Musical Cabaret treat - Loretta Lynn (played by *Amber Joy Poulton), shares her favourite songs and stories from her life as country music's most loved performer. You won't be able to sit still as she performs a string of country mega-hits plus the songs of her girlfriends Tammy, Dolly, Patsy and more. It's country music heaven at the Regal Theatre (Kensington Rd).

Blurb: LORETTA LYNN, PATSY CLINE, TAMMY WYNETTE, DOLLY PARTON;  They were Friends, Queens of Country Music & Real Women….
In 'Honky Tonk Angels', Miss Loretta Lynn, (played by look-alike Country Queen, Miss Amber Joy Poulton), comes to town & shares some of her favourite music & stories from her life & times as one of country music's most loved performers.   You will hear the songs of her girlfriends, Patsy, Tammy & Dolly & you will not be able to sit still as this country legend performs her greatest hits as well as a string of knee-slappin' country mega-hits, from hill-billy to city-slick. 'Honky Tonk Angels' relives the amazing story of this remarkable woman, her friendships, her contribution to music & the progression of women...in the country as well as the city.

Some of the songs: You're Lookin' At Country, One's On the Way, The Pill, Don't come Home A' Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind, Fist City, You Aint Woman Enough To Take My Man, I Fall To Pieces, Crazy, Silver Threads And Golden Needles, Jolene, Nine To Five, These Boots Are Made For Walkin'.  Honky Tonk Angels Is Country Music Heaven!

Sessions:   Saturday February 16 (7.30 pm) and Sunday February 17 (2.00 pm)

AT:              The Regal Theatre,  75 Kensington Rd,  Kensington Park

Seen around Australia Honky Tonk Angels is always a sell out – Book Now!!!  http://www.adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/honky-tonk-angels-the-story-of-loretta-lynn-and-friends/4431d7d8-4e8d-4c26-afaa-d53d1b94f17b

 Sample Image*Amber Joy's debut original album, Taking Goodbye, full of traditional Australian country music has launched her career & reputation as a serious singer & song-writer.  Since its release, the album has received two song-writing awards for Best Traditional Song, four songs have entered the Top 30 of the Australian Country Music Charts and Amber Joy has just landed herself a TIARA Award 2012 for Best Vocal Collaboration for duet, Close Enough with Doug Bruce.  She has spent over 40 weeks in the charts with the album & her biggest hit yet, Break Even spent over 18 weeks in the charts & made it all the way to Number 5 nation-wide!  She is now appearing on Foxtels CMC channel with her new film clip, "Show Me".

As well as her original material, Amber Joy has toured the country with her touching tribute to the first queen of country in Honky Tonk Angels - The Story Of Loretta Lynn & Friends.

 

 

 

Sample ImageA Journey Through the Past is one hour of musical theatre with a twist. It is based on the book “Neil and Me” by Scott Young (1918-2005), a well-known sports and novel writer in Canada but perhaps less known here as the father of Neil Young ,one of the most influential figures in popular music.

A Journey Through the Past stars Patrick Frost as Scott Young who engages the audience with an intimate dialogue.....he is the narrator of the performance...  slowly revealing many thought provoking insights into the parallels between his own fascinating life and times and that of his more famous son. It’s Scott’s story!...his feelings , his regrets, his guilt, his feelings of connectedness with his son as a chance- taking maverick, his musing on his absence as a father affecting or even propelling Neil to be a great, original/non compromising artist (like father/like son !).

Each monologue segues into a song by Neil Young, chosen for its lyrical content echoing Scott’s revelations. Be aware that A Journey Through the Past is NOT a Neil Young tribute show. The songs have been re-interpreted, re-arranged and presented in a fresh and dramatic light as a natural continuation and extension of the narrative.

A Journey ThroughThe Past plays:    MONDAY 18TH FEBRUARY 2013 (7.30PM) and TUESDAY 19TH FEBRUARY 2013  (8.00PM)  at THE PROMETHEAN-116 GROTE ST ADELAIDE

 This show was a sell-out at the 2012 Fringe and will be one of the must-see items in this year’s line-up.  Book Now online through Adelaide Fringe Website(http://www.adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/a-journey-through-the-past/93ae6a8a-326c-4ea3-834f-b30f302be82e)   or phone Venuetix(http://www.venuetix.com.au/)

 

 More good stuff:

Sample ImageGuthries: Friday February 8 – Remembering the Legends.

Three exciting entertainers bring you their own unique styles of Music & fun.

The show features South Australia's own Nathan Bruhn, our very own "Rising Star of the Future";  Kinta “The Southern Songbird ”, who  is well known for her fine performances and bubbly personality, and the internationally acclaimed Craig "Mr Versatile" Giles.  Craig is both a Nationally & Internationally acclaimed multi-award winning recording artist with a string of successful singles & albums to his credit. Craig tours extensively, including his annual “Music Tour of America” each October.

Book/buy tickets: https://www.dramatix.com.au/events/1023

 Go Here: http://www.folkfederation.com/...  for more Guthries events... Rory McLeod coming soon!

 

 

Sample ImageSaturday, 09 February:  

Ronnie Taheny - A Kind of Homecoming ....  Supported by Georgia Germein Sisters

Sample ImageAfter 18 years of globe-trotting, Ronnie Taheny returns to take a short nap and set up more permanently in Adelaide. “I just got tired of the Teutonic high forehead and intelligent blue eyes.” she quips. Ronnie will deliver a couple of new tracks plus a range of satire-driven gems from that period in one cracking set. Multi-instrumentalist, Jarrad Payne will contribute his 5-star talent and taste to Taheny’s songs before the night is over.

 Book: http://admin.moshtix.com.au/v2/event/ronnie-taheny-a-kind-of-homecoming-supported-by-georgia-germein-sisters/62404?&caller=CAL&noadd=true&skin=

 

 

Hair today….

A good idea needs a certain number of components to be successful. Get one wrong and….

To be successful it first has to fill a need:  I see the need every day… baldies; Nude-nuts; Skinheads; Chromedomes…. they all need hair that is not perilously affixed to their bonces with double-sided tape.

The solution needs to be unique; radical; a stroke of genius: Well… to an inventor of my calibre, the solution I created is naturally all of those things.

The solution needs to be fairly readily available and replicable:  That was the genius of it; the method is explained further down the page.

And it needs to be relatively free of problems for the majority of users. That’s the key to success; one that’s not easy to find. Allow me to explain. Being of mature years I notice – with some misgivings – slightly annoying changes in the automatic physionominical-ishy thingummies that are often at odds with each other. ‘Somewhat polarised’ is what us scientifically-minded boffins prefer to call it. An example being that while the hair of your head falls out easily and does not return,  the stuff appears to grow at an exponential rate and quantity in other places like your earhole, your arsehole and … your nose!

It’s the nostril hair that drew my attention. Mere days after ripping out the fukken stuff in an ‘orrible, painful eye-watering procedure, it returns more vigorously and persistent than before; strong, long and poking out all over the joint like spider legs out of a webby hole. Resilient, fast-growing hair;  just like what any bald-headed coot would wish as a replacement for his departing thatch!

Now, here’s the genius bit. I deduced that, as the nose is a part of the head in many people, I  could simply get a hold of it with a pair of pliers, turn it inside out and pull it back over the chrumus-domus (medical terminology) and superglue it into  place to allow the nostril hairs to stick up on top of the head like a porkebine’s quims – I mean, quills.  I then merely cut a couple of slits in the membrane where it covers the eyes for those who still wanted to look at TV and stuff and there you have it – the fastest growing, guaranteed hair replacement operation…. in a few minutes.

I must say that the procedure is relatively painless to me and I could easily perform the operation a number of times a day with no ill effects.

The drawback to realising riches from this discovery was that I was perhaps 70 or 8o years too late getting it onto the market. It appears that the vogue for slicked and gleaming hair has been and gone; and that was the issue.  Being nostril hair, it was continually lubricated with a layer of mucus that gave it a brilliant, glistening sheen which seemed to be all the go in the old black and white movies last century.  But these days it is – sadly for me -  not so desirable, and the absence of antimacassars – a once handy and necessary device that has fallen into disuse of late because of a foppy change in hairstyle fashions – meant that the head-rest of the Jason recliner ended up in a right slimy state.  

A handkerchief large enough to blow your head to clear it of the mucus was as large as a bath towel and if there was a high pollen count you might need a rucksack to carry 3 or 4 or the fukkers.  Night times are also a bit tricky: My beta-test subject was able to somewhat reduce the clogging up of his pillow with mucus by taking large doses of Sudafed.  LARGE! Nearly dessicated him. He had to use a crowbar to effect his only bowel movement for the week and he’s a bit unhappy around the date at the moment but…  his hair has such a lovely shine. My dear old grandma would love it.

But Granny is not here, she’s up on the mantelpiece in a tea caddy, and I guess I have to consign another great idea to the back burner and go back to buying lotto tickets.

 
You'd better Panic - it's new year's eve! Print E-mail
Wednesday, 26 December 2012

And so that was Christmas….

Sample ImageAnd next it is new Year… and the NYE party to which this is the invitation… no RSVP required; just turn up on the night at The Daniel O’Connell Hotel, North Adelaide to spend the last evening of 2012 with pan!c, the band, as they run through a catalogue of some of the best geek songs and one-hit-wonders ever!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageBeyond December and  into 2013… watch out for: The Steve Brown Band at the Semaphore Workers Club. Wish I could remember when we’re on but… I Forget!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageHuge congratulations to Amber Joy Poulton being nominated in the Top 5 Female Vocalist for Tamworth 2012. Here’s the statement from Amber Joy’s Facebook page: So happy & excited to be amongst some amazing female singers in The Peoples Choice Awards for Best Female Vocalist 2013. It’s a first timer for me & i feel happy, honoured, excited but mostly grateful for the public support and country music fans everywhere. THANK YOU for helping me start 2013 with a smile.   http://www.peopleschoiceawards.com.au/2013final

 

 

 

February at the Festival Centre  --  Shooey: John Schumann & The Vagabond Crew

SESSIONS - Adelaide's LIVE MUSIC HUB

Sample ImageDefiant, funny, passionate and always Australian, if you liked Redgum, you'll love the Vagabond Crew.   Packed venues and standing ovations demonstrate how, in a very short time, John Schumann & the Vagabond Crew have earned for themselves a stellar reputation on the festival circuit as an inspirational, intelligent and defiantly Australian concert act.

Re-united with his old mate Hugh McDonald from Redgum, this is the closest thing to a Redgum reunion fans will see.  The Vagabond Crew repertoire includes songs from the albums Lawson and Behind the Lines and a swag of Redgum hits including I was only 19, I've Been to Bali, The Long Run, and Diamantina Drover
.

Venue :  Space Theatre

When :  8 Feb 2013

Times : 6.30pm

Tickets through Book Online 131 246

 

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 At the Prospect Town Hall, Prospect Road.

 

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Guthries: Friday February 8 – Remembering the Legends.

Three exciting entertainers bring you their own unique styles of Music & fun.

The show features South Australia's own Nathan Bruhn, our very own "Rising Star of the Future";  Kinta “The Southern Songbird ”, who  is well known for her fine performances and bubbly personality, and the internationally acclaimed Craig "Mr Versatile" Giles.  Craig (pic left) is both a Nationally & Internationally acclaimed multi-award winning recording artist with a string of successful singles & albums to his credit. Craig tours extensively, including his annual “Music Tour of America” each October.

Book/buy tickets: https://www.dramatix.com.au/events/1023

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageSaturday, 09 February:  Ronnie Taheny - A Kind of Homecoming ....  Supported by Georgia Germein Sisters

After 18 years of globe-trotting, Ronnie Taheny returns to take a short nap and set up more permanently in Adelaide. “I just got tired of the Teutonic high forehead and intelligent blue eyes.” she quips. Ronnie will deliver a couple of new tracks plus a range of satire-driven gems from that period in one cracking set. Multi-instrumentalist, Jarrad Payne will contribute his 5-star talent and taste to Taheny’s songs before the night is over.

 

 

 Sample ImageNYE at the Wheatie with PRAWNHEAD AND CAPITOL SWING

Gigs at the Wheatie:  http://www.wheatsheafhotel.com.au/gigs

 

 

 

 

Sample ImageThe Whitty: There's always something happening at the the Whitmore Hotel,  Morphett Street, the City.

 

 

 

 

Plan a lo-o-o-ong way ahead...........   

Sample ImageCruisin Country #3 Departs Sydney 12th October 2013

Go here: http://cruisincountry.com.au/2013/index.php

http://www.facebook.com/CruisinCountry?ref=stream

 And, for detailed information call 1300 247 371.

 

 

 

Love drumming and generally making a noise???? Like to go to Africa????  Now you can do both.

Sample ImageJoin master drummer Bortier Okoe for a once-in-a-life-time Ghanaian experience. Open your heart and immerse yourself in rich and vibrant culture on a four-week intensive cultural tour. You will live in the town of Nungua amongst the community, learn the traditional rhythms, songs and dances and develop your skills under the guidance of Bortier and local drum and dance masters.

YOU ARE INVITED BY BORTIER TO COME ON THE TELEMA TOUR TO GHANA WEST AFRICA – Tours EVERY SEPTEMBER 14 to OCTOBER 13

 http://www.africansoul.com.au/content/?ContentID=268

http://www.telematour.blogspot.com.au/

 

 

 

The Hobbit

Or: The road goes ever on and on and on and on….

Or:  There and never come back again

In a hole in Cowandilla lived a hobbit. An unremarkable creature if you overlooked the solid, tattooed limbs, the stocky, hairy body, head, arms, legs and feet, which were singular in that the only part which was not covered in hair were the soles which were clad in Taiwanese-made rubber thongs. On this particular day when we peer into the den of our little fellow, he is busy working on some electrical wiring around the hovel, chucking empty stubbies out the window as they became dead marines. A knock sounded at his steel-lined door. The hobbit peered into his cctv screen and mumbled, “Aahh, fuk!” He pressed the door-release button  and Gangrene the Grand Vizard of the local Whiterace Chapter edged his way in.

“Ah...Dildo Badass. I’m glad to have caught you at home,” said Gangrene, stroking his grizzled beard.

“I’m not. Take off that stupid white dunce’s hat and spill your guts quick, fuzzface, I’m getting ready to take a holiday.”

“Ah. Well, that’s a coincidence because I too am about to partake in a holiday but needs be that I must make it a working sojourn.”

“Handkerchiefs are in the dresser if you want to cry. So… what’s your story?”

“Well… I have with me some – er…. travelling companions;   a troupe of Siberian Dwarves who need to get to Mt Ting to pick up a ... er... treasure.”

“Mt Ting?”

“Iron Knob. That’s where the treasure is that these lads are after.”

“What is this ‘treasure’, you po-faced scam-artist?”

“Umm, ten kilos of methamphetamine; there’s a lab out at the Knob that’s cooking it up for them.”

“Well, if it’s in the same direction I’m headed, why not? I could use a lift and I’m packed to go.”

With that Dildo heaved a chunky camouflage rucksack over his shoulder...

Hmm,” thought Gangrene, eyeballing the bulky knapsack. “… Methinks there may be more to this hobbit than meets the eye. Er….. What’s in the bag, Dildo?” he asked the nuggetty lad. “It looks pretty chockers!”

“It’s full of arseholes, shitface, but there’s always room for one more so why don’t you get into it?”

“Ha,  ha. Your dry hobbit wit could raise a smile on the statue of Colonel Electric Light. Enough of the shit-shooting, let’s split the scene.”

“I need to turn on the alarm first. Right...that’s that; now where’s these fukken midgets?”

“In the Statesman...they all fit on the back seat.”

“Nice wheels, Gangrene; where’d you pick ‘em up?”

“Burnside Village Shopping Centre carpark,” he said, jumping into the driver’s seat. “Hey… boys! Meet Dildo Badass; Dildo ...the Boys. I won’t tell you their names, they will mean nothing to you.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re Siberian names and I can’t even pronounce the fukken things let alone know what they mean. Right, hide that bong, ya little jerks, first stop: the Port of Pirities.”

“I’m not keen on having that bunch of throat cutters sitting' behind me and stoned, Gagrene.”

“Don’t fret, I laced the bong weed with opium. They will be fukked out of their brains till we get to the Port of Pirities.”

Two hours later the Statesman was creeping along the streets of the Port of Pirities, cruising past its strange inhabitants.

“Holy douchebags, Gangrene. Take a gander at these freaks! They look like zombies!”

“Yes, Didlo, this is the dark city of the Leadsmelters. See that greyness in the sky? Well, up here the air is literally shimmering with brain-deadening lead. These people are pretty  nut-fukked.”

Dildo stuck his hand out of the car and scooped a palmful of the dusty grey substance.

“You call that lead in the air? I’ll show these horror story fukken freaks lead in the air!” And with that dildo whipped two Uzis out of his rucksack and emptied 18 yards of dumdum lead into the shopping mall, scattering arms, legs and heads.

“That’s ‘lead in the air',” quipped Dildo as he stowed the still-smoking weapons. “... a bit of ‘Nam-type pollution for the brain-dead. Now, let’s beat it before the heat arrives.”

Hmmm...” thought Gangrene as he burned rubber up the main street. “I really do believe there’s more to this hobbit than meets the eye."

Next stop was the Port of Augustus. On the way something wet and sticky hit Dildo in the back of the neck.

“What the fuk?” he shouted. “Jeezus wept; it’s a nose. Those little runts in the back seat have woken up and had a knife fight. Gangrene, stop the fukken car and turf them out!” shouted Dildo, flinging the dripping proboscis out the window.

“Can’t do that, man. I took a sack of gold from the little rats to get them to Iron Knob. Scout’s honour and all that; gotta go through with it.”

“Well, let me sort them out,” snapped Dildo as he repacked the dwarves’ bong with stuff from his rucksack.

“What’s that?” asked Gangrene. “Ratsak?”

“Nah; horse tranquillisers. They won’t even wake up to shit for five hours.”

The fabled Port of Augustus was reached and the Statesman steadily cruised along the main drag.

“Here,” Dildo said to Gangrene, handing him a brick as he peered through the windscreen.

“Thanks,” said the white Wiz, “…. Do you want me to throw it at one of these Port of Augustians?”

“Nup. Shove it on the accelerator pedal and don’t take if off till this shithole has faded from memory.”

“Done!” Vroooooooom.

Soon they approached the great shipbuilding metropolis of Valhalla; its iron halls still and quiet; its long main street empty.

“Plague?” suggested Dildo.

“Nup. Cheap nip-built ships. You know what’s the longest thing in Valhalla these days?”

“Nup.”

“The dole queue. Let’s eat asphalt.”

Many hours later, on the last leg of the monotonous haul towards the mystical Mount Ting, the Siberian dwarves in the back finally began to stir.

“Right on time, boys,” said Gangrene to the panty-fouled microbes. “We’ll be there in half an hour.”

Scooting round the back of the steel mountain they rolled slowly along a dirt road until a rusted corrugated iron shed came into view.

“That must be the kitchen,” Gangrene whispered.

“Fuk me” uttered Dildo. “If that’s the kitchen I’d hate to see the dunny. Righto you stinky little rats, get in there and get the stuff so we can get out of here!”

“Hang fire, guys. It’s not that simple. The stuff is guarded by a dragon,” warned Gangrene.

“A what??”

“A fukken dragon and look…. there she is!”  cried Gangrene.

It was a truly horrible sight, fukken horrible. Dildo shivered involuntarily.

“Oh my sainted Aunt,” shouted Gangrene. “It’s the Old Dragon with the slag tattoos, and  -  Oh Shit!!! She’s seen us. Take care… avert your eyes or you will turn to jelly! She’s forgotten her teeth!!!” 

The horrible old dragon had eyeballed the car and was making her way angrily towards it, drooling and panting, l the while hungrily sucking in and blowing out her crinkled lips.

“Whoops,” said Didlo. “Looks like she’s spotted the shiny thing and she’s headed this way. Right… now’s a good time for the landfill in the back seat to grab the shit. Run, ya little rats! Get to the shed!”

Dildo popped the back door and smacked the nearest midget in the head, starting a cascade of the little buggers out of the car.

“Get going, you vermin. Grab the shit while the old dragon is attacking the car!”

The dwarves scuttled like a pack of cockroaches into the tin shed and slammed the door shut. Within seconds there emanated from the shed’s interior the sounds of gleeful discovery which quickly turned into greedy snarling and then the fight erupted over possession of the dope.

“Who’d’a, thought, eh, Gangrene? Hope they still got their knives. Uh Oh! Double whoops…. looks like the old dragon has caught an earful of them.”

She had. Her ears pricked and she glared at the shed with hateful eyes, turned and roared like a wounded bull dyke and hollered out: “Not my fukken speed, you don’t!!!”

She stormed back to the shed, kicked down the door and charged inside whereupon she immediately set upon the terrified midgets.

“Time to wrap this up, mate,”  said Dildo, as he pulled a bundle of gelignite sticks from his rucksack, arced up the wick and tossed the firework into the  shed.

“Eat dirt or lose you head, Gangrene!” he shouted as he dove behind a mullock heap.

No sooner had the pair grounded themselves when the explosion erupted, blowing a twenty foot crater in the parched and now severely scorched earth and disintegrating the shed and its occupants.

“Get in the car, mate - out of the red rain; or you’ll be fly bait until we can get a bath.”

As bits of tin, dirt, blood and flesh sprinkled down from the sky, Gangrene confirmed out loud... I knew there was more to this hobbit than meets the eye. “Oh, well, Dildo. Back home then?”

Not likely. I’m gonna keep going, out to the west. You wanna come along?”

“Sure, I’ve got nothing to go back for, but, what about you; don’t you want to go home and get some stuff before you head out to the West?”

“Nah. There’s a fair bit of heat on me back there – the Pinkphinx are chasing up a debt or two and they’ve got my house number… I hope.”

“What do you mean…’I hope’?”

“I’ve just left a … a treasure chest for them if they come knocking.”

“You left some treasure??” enquired Gangrene. “In a chest????”

“Well, more like Pandora’s box. It’s ten kilos of sweating geli in a sack of nails wired up to the front door.  Once that lot is out of the box there’ll be no putting it back in. Westward HO! you pox-faced animal molester.”

And so they passed on to the West and etc, etc, with added fairies, elves and pink elephants.

 
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