That’s my new mantra. Ever since a little while ago when I sat down at the desk with a cup of coffee to start work. Just thought I might ease out a little bubble of mustard gas knocking on the back door for help and … Jeeezus H Friggin cripes … me gusset’s as wet as an otter’s pocket.  You know, like… ever since the kids I have trouble with me pelvic floor, I have. It’s got no condition anymore. It’s got about as much bounce left in it as a daycare trampoline. No… it’s got as much bounce as a beret! Frankly, I didn’t know I had a pelvic floor thingy – I just thought down there was like a hollowed out watermelon filled with a string of sausages. The doctor says I must exercise me pelvic floor but by the time I’ve mopped and polished it I’m too rooted to take it for walkies. Oh, well. Nothing I can do but spill the coffee in me lap and scream. That might fool a couple of the more naïve onlookers.

Done! And sponged down. Now, where was I??? Live music this weekend. You have a veritable feast awaiting your plucking and nibbling.

Friday November 27:     Double Wammy at the Duke of Brunswick Hotel (Adelaide - city). A great small venue bringing live music to live punters! And you’ve got a real bunch of live ones with the Double Wammy hooligans. I know it's hard to get away from the Teeva with all its interesting programmes and commercials, but life is short and getting shorter (excluding overtime) and I think you should try the Duke of Brunswick on Friday night as an entree to a groaning board of musical treats.

 Saturday November 28:   pan!c at the Daniel O'Connell (North Adelaide). You know it will always be fun with pan!c at the Dan. Those guys are sillier than an Emissions Trading Scheme only cheaper! That’s right… beer prices will not go up when pan!c sets in. pan!c starts at 9 pm. I dont like the sound of "emissions trading" I'm not sure what you can swap for a handful of pearl jam. Still... what would I know, I'm not much of a business person.

 Sunday November 29:    Amber Poulton at the Gawler Massacre. Ooops.... I think that should be The Gawler Muster. Amber has an afternoon gig ( about 3 pm). Amber will be ripping through a set ofher own tunes from her recent CD release, Taking Goodbye. Catch her while she is still affordable - after Tamworth next year she'll be more than a "rising star" ... she'll be fukkin' liftin off! I tell ya.

 Sunday November 29         Walking The Line at the Gawler Muster. Sunset set for Walking The Line – Australia’s Number One Johnny Cash Show. See and hear Rohan Powell and the Walking The Line band along with Amber Joy as June Carter Cash as they dish up many of the Man in Black's - and indeed the long-suffering, garrulous wife of the Man in Black's - best known songs.

Sunday November 29         Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers at the Rob Roy Hotel (Adelaide). About 4pm The darlings of the blues scene step up to the mike, James pulls out his…. his… wait for it…. his…guitar slide and then he waggles his dick it the air!  And clamps a car battery to his nutbag and starts a-swinging! Or maybe that was last week. I think this week he’s giving his scrotum a rest. Maybe this is the week Rob glues the castanets on his bum cheeks and … no, I think that was the week before. Ok... might be a bit of a tame show on Sunday.

Sunday November 29         Double Wammy at the Semaphore Workers Club.  I’m almost too embarrassed to say that this will be a beautiful gig. Fairies will float out of the speakers and the drums will sound like Cherry Ripe bars getting opened. The singing will sound like the smell of a bundle of hundred dollar notes and the beer will taste just like beer. Quite honestly, I’m getting a half-blood prince just thinking about it.

Sunday November 29 at the Wine Underground...   Can’t be fucked driving to Semaphore but still want to get carpet burns on you Nikes? Get along to the Wine Underground in Pirie Street the city for  Let it Roll who will present a rockin’ show, highlighting the history of R&B music from artists such as Louis Jordan, Gatemouth Brown through to Freddy King, Blues Brothers, Robert Cray and “beyond”.  I wonder if that was meant to be “beyonce”. I ain’t never heard of the” beyond” blues band… hmmm… excuse me while I scratch my armpit over that one.

 So, there you are! What a smorgasbord of roll mops and birdseed biscuits. If you’re not full to the gills after that lot you’re either not trying to have fun or you’re dead.