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Elections are coming up and now I have a relative with political ambitions – My Uncle Roy was Tazered last week in Hindley Street and reckons that qualifies him for a job in politics. I think he’s admirably suited to the job of runnin' the State because he couldn't run a bath without fukkin’ it up. He'll be in good company on North Terrace. Anyway... here’s how it happened: Uncle Roy’s brother, Uncle Derek (Dekka) was over from Mallee for a visit to the big city. They went to a night club sort of thing and got chucked out because Dekka took off his shirt. He was hot. For Christ’s sake, Dekka complained, there were blokes in there wearing T-shirts! Nobody chucked them out!! Mooning about it in a nearby bar, Dekka had a good idea "What if I always had a shirt on? Eh?" he said, cryptically. I might add that Dekka is well-known in the Mallee area for head-butting a Toyota ute at the B & S Ball. It’s true that the ute looked to come off second best but the family isn’t sure Dekka’s eggs weren’t scrambled by the impact. Anyhow, Dekka went into a tattoo parlour and came out after a few minutes to give Roy ten bucks to buy a T-Shirt. Roy went to a souvenir shop – not much else open at night – and got one with a Steve Irwin humping a croc on the front and tossed it into the tattoo parlour to Dekka who said slyly… “Hey, Roy… when is a shirt not a shirt? Eh? Eh, Roy?” Four hours under the needle later, Roy couldn’t believe his eyes when Dekka presented himself with a perfect copy of the T-shirt inked into his upper Torso. Well, almost all of his upper torso. Dekka took a look in the mirror and yelled: “It’s the wrong size! It’s too small!!” Roy said, “Crikey! You’re not wrong. It is a bit short around the guts and the arms, eh? Looks a bit tight around the neck too! But it’s your own fault, Dekka; you didn’t tell me what size you wanted. I only got a Small size shirt to save you a buck and a bit!” That’s when the fight started and the Tazering came about six minutes later. Either of the useless buggers would fit a political party’s I.Q. requirements but Dekka shot through to the Mallee leaving Roy to chase the political gig. And that leads us nicely - sort of - to the musical gig news for the near future.  On Saturday, February 6, COLLARD, GREENS & GRAVY, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will be appearing at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, Thebarton. Just a tip for this one.... Bring your own bread and butter to dip in the gravy and no double-fukken-dipping - ok? You have to cut the bread into little soldiers for one-dip only. I don't know what Collards are - just push them to one side - but you gotta eat your greens or no pudding, right?
 Hoy Hoy! has been setting new bench marks with sales of their new DVD. Why don't you buy one and let them put their fukken marks all over your bench! I spent half a day with the Mr Sheen getting their so-called 'bench marks' off of my bench top. More like fukken skid marks if you ask me. There, that feels better. Them and their fukken DeeVee fukken Dees'
So.. you can catch the Hoy Hoy!!s on Sunday Feb. 7th at the Coopers 1862 Blues Bar at the Wine Underground, Pirie st. Live music start about 5-ish.
 The Beggars are presenting their show Bound For Australia in a season of matinee concerts in theatres around Adelaide in February. It’s a concert production showcasing 200 years of great Australian music including songs from The Seekers, Anne Kirkpatick , Lucky Starr, Chad Morgan, Slim Dusty and of course The Beggars. The show will also feature guest musician and Adelaide legend Trevor Warner. All concerts details are at http://www.outofthesquare.net.au/ and all tickets are $14.
Dates: Monday Feb 8th at 1.30 pm Shedley Theatre Elizabeth Tuesday Feb 9th at 11am Marion Cultural Centre
Wednesday Feb 10th at 11am Arts Centre Pt Noarlunga Thursday Feb 11th at 2pm Golden Grove Arts Centre Friday Feb 12th at 11am Parks Community Centre Tuesday Feb 16th at 2pm Star Theatre
 Friday, February 12 will be the first opportunity this year to catch Double Wammy at the Semaphore Workers Club, Semaphore. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to hear Brian Morrison, Master of the Wild Guitar, say: 'Good evening comrades and fellow workers and those two bludgers over there... yes you, you know who you are... we're Double Wammy and you're not'. Or something like that. I can't really remember what he says but if I were he then I'd probably say something like that. Also, on Friday February 12, we have JACKSON FIREBIRD, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, THEBARTON. And they'll be all vitaminned up from eating their collards and greens and, I imagine, therefore, their bowels will in fine fettle. Especially after all them collards. Whatever they are. On Saturday February 13th, Hoy Hoy!! will break the seal on a new Rock and Rhythm venue at The Rex Hotel, Richmond Rd. Good boy, Rex. Good Boy. Hey! Stop lickin' your nuts! REX.... put that lipstick AWAY, you dirty hound!!!!! Then, on Sunday February 14... it might seem like we're getting ahead of ourselves a bit but it doesn't hurt to plan ahead... what if an election turns up in your corn flakes and you're not ready for it? So put this in your diary: Sunday, February 14, Double Wammy will be showing off at the Wine Underground Coopers (insert historical date here) Bar on Pirie Street, the City. Be there for a 5 pm kick off when Brian Morrison, Master of the Fukken Incredible Nasty Guitar says... says... Look, if you're gonna roll your eyes like that then I'm not gonna tell you what he says; you'll have to come along and hear it for yourself. So go fuk yerself. With a big hairy election.
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