WHoooowoooooooplschpphhtttslckhooooooahoooot!

I say, Holmes, what's that?

Watson, it sounds to me like a raging chicken vindaloo.

What? out here, Holmes…. On the loose?

It will be if I don’t pinch my butt cheeks tighter, Watson. Now, look over there in the torchlight… what do you see?

I say, Holmes, it looks like a butcher’s shop window chucked all over the floor.

Excellent deduction, Watson, but you are, as usual, dead wrong. It’s a crime scene. Can you describe it?

I say, Holmes, there’s blood and guts everywhere, up the walls, over the furniture and on the paintings and mirrors. There’s a body missing its arms and legs, the head has been severed and beaten to a pulp and it also seems like the body has been interfered with… sexually!  Goodness Gracious, Holmes… who could be responsible for such a bloodbath?

Someone with whom we are quite familiar, Watson.

Doctor Moriarty?

No, Watson, our little friend, the blunt instrument.

Gadzooks, Holmes. I say… my Dear Chappie, look at this over here! A raw hamburger magazine – collectors’ edition. And some of the pages are stuck together!

Ho! Well done, Watson. This changes things - it’s all so obvious now. This is not an actual crime scene after all.

But Holmes… I say… I say… how does one then explain this gory debacle?

Watson. Meet what is left of the perverted mountebank, Reginald Gutterdump, third Earl of Carbuncle and Lord of Pussbucket Manor -- an addict to penny arcade porn. But he came seriously adrift when he stumbled across Black Label Private Edition Collector’s issues of Victorian Tits and Flaps. Read the clues Watson, it’s obvious even to a blind man with an India rubber cane. Gutterdump was here last night, leafing though this extremely provocative volume while agitating his tumescent phallus when he caught sight of himself in the mirror, red-faced and drooling like a monkey at the zoo. Racked with shame at the thought of what his mother might say; stung with guilt at the threat of going blind - and he already on his second monocle prescription -  he picked up the carelessly discarded plumbers’ wrench and systematically beat himself to mush. Then he got a cheap Bunnings chainsaw and hacked off his arms, his legs and head and then shoved the wrench up his own arse to teach himself a lesson.

I say, Holmes.

Yes, Watson…it’s simple and clear cut case of suicide.

I say, Holmes… You are decidedly clever. And wonderful. Can I smoke your pipe?

Later, Watson. Later.

Which leads us nicely into this week's more cerebral diversions... Rockin' Riddum Music!

 The Beggars wind up their show Bound For Australia with a matinee concert on Tuesday Feb 16th at the Star Theatre
Bound For Australia showcases 200 years of great Australian music including songs from The Seekers, Anne Kirkpatick , Lucky Starr, Chad Morgan, Slim Dusty and of course The Beggars. The show also features guest musician and Adelaide legend Trevor Warner.
Concert details are at http://www.outofthesquare.net.au  and all tickets are $14.

Thursday night at the Gilbert Street Hotel Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers will get the crowd slipping and sliding with some great Blues and Roots music, including tracks offen their new LP CD Double Voodoo. So, don't stick pins that voodoo doll of your mother-in-law - stick 'em in the calendar for Thursday February 18 to go to the Gilbert Street Hotel. The vibe emanates eerily at 7 pm.

Friday February 19 is the day to catch Warp Factor Four at the Norwood Hotel. Featuring the dynamic fretful foursome of Mike Hill, David Rocky Rhodes, Sweet Baby James Meston and Rob Thunderclaws Boundy, Warp Factor 4 kicks in the warp drive at 9 pm and slams though the parsecs till 1 am the next fukken day!  Talk about poking ice-block sticks in the captian's log! - Eeeurgh!...it's got peanuts in it.

 Sunday, February 21 will see Rhumboogie play a "fringe Event" at the Wine Underground Coopers Bar in Pirie Street, the City. Be there at 5 pm for an afternoon of great rockin' piano boogie woogie.

 121 Pirie St

 Actually, That's all I have for you this week unless someone else sends in their gigs.