I have a few gigs I want to point you at when you get some time off from eating easter eggs and hot cross buns but first I must tell you about a mercy mission I have been on to help bananas change their image problem. Mayhaps you didn't know that bananas had an image problem but I can assure you otherwise.
Auntie Gwen runs a banana farm in the tropical north. Struggling with declining sales she comissioned a demographic study of banana eating habits and came to the conclusion that there is some resistance to eating bananas by certain sections of the demography. And it’s all because bananas have an image problem that they are too dumb to solve by themselves. Most of the other fruits we eat have upped their appeal by evolving into volutuous round shapes - apples oranges grapes and (Ho, Ho) melons. But the banana has steadfastly clung to it amusing phallic shape with the little dress-to-the left type of bend.  The usual method of consumption – for the gauche, that it is – is to grab a banana, roll back it’s convenient yellow fiveskin and poke the thing in your gob, thus giving impression of a chimpanzee or an orang-utan. People in “the city” tend to be somewhat ashamed of appearing simian and have been known to shun the banana despite its health-giving properties in favour of hip foodstuffs like raw fish and grass.

But the demographic study revealed other consumer markets that fall victim to banana-gobbling shame such as the demure socialite or the cute blonde family-trust supported bimbo demographic – consumers to whom the banana could provide youth-restoring banana-nomes and anti-oxbloods – but who, when the end of a banana is poked in her cakehole, experiences the guilty, cheek-reddening flash back of drunken spit-roast session with a squad of footballers.

So I - trouble-shooter and fix-it bloke - was called in to change the image of the unbecoming banana. I solved the problem by employing the wonderful new science of genetics. I simply accentuated the banana’s natural curve by splicing a donut gene into the banana genome to produce a bagel shaped banana. It was so simple I can't believe you never thought of it. Anyway, now the smart city people can eat a banana without fear of being assumed to be a monkey - or a bubble-brained socialite, for that matter..

There is the problem that eating the circular banana might make the ‘city people’ feel like they are licking another arsehole but that’s life in the big city. Now to the entertainment.

First up, on Thusrday evening, April 1, we have Bex Marshall (http://www.myspace.com/bexmarshall) at the Royal Oak Hotel, in North Adelaide. Bex cranks it up around 8 pm.   Check out Bex on the interweb but here is a potted blurb lifted from one of her sites:  An explosion of blue hot acoustic slide roots/rock, poker twisted with a whippin' of Bluegrass, a versatile guitarist with a unique earthy melting pot of a voice.
Songwriter/producer Bex Marshall possesses a guitar skill that has been likened to Stevie Ray Vaughan to Derek Trucks, Rory Gallagher to Robert Johnson. it goes on to say ....
She exudes excitement and charisma as she performs solo on stages across the globe. She is an adventuress, a writer, seasoned guitar player and passionate vocalist, her musical influences are varied and many although comparisons have ranged from JJ Cale to Hendrix, her music has been described as... “Bonnie Raitt and Led Zep jamming in an everglade moonshine joint”.

Now if that don't fuk a dog's arse with a greasy stick I don't know what will!!!!

Thursday night also sees the debut of Turkey Ranchero at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, Thebarton. Featuring the unique talent and actual presence of Tristan Andrews (Double wammy) Turkey Ranchero will thrill you to you aglets, as I was told by a reliable sauce. And HP Sauce is the most reliable sauce for both beef and egg dishes.Tasty and piquant, HP sauce is the sauce that teases as it pleases. (I got that bit from the interweb.)

Next,as far as I'm concerned, is Warp Factor 4 at the Mick O'Shea's Hotel, Hackham, Saturday April 3. Here's what the interweb says of Warp Factor 4.  They (Warp Factor 4) hit the audience as a slipper whacks the slower cockroach. It's not just the intensity, it's the sheer volume and loudness, and the 'why don't you all go and get fukked' brashness that sets them apart from awfully nice people. It's cheeky, it's fun, it's wonderful - if you're not there! ... Hang on a moment -- I think I have pinched the wrong editorial. Oh, what the fuk... it's close enough.

 Sunday April 4 Jesus is back so have a decent feed ready for him. He likes a full english breakfast with a pot of tea. Punt him before lunch, though, the old fukker is a bit of a malingerer and inclined to whinge and moan about his Old Man.

And Sunday April 4 will have Bex Marshall travelling to the Nepenthe Winery at Balhannah for a rockin', stompin', grape-squashing show as part of the Nepenthe Sunday Session programme. Live music plays from 1pm to 5 pm. Contact winery for details. Phone: (08) 8398 8888. Nepenthe Wines, Jones Rd, Balhannah SA 5242

 Then on Monday, April 5,  we have SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS at the Exeter on Rundle. This is what the interweb had to say about them! In their crafty capable hands Blues and Roots music combine to form a new and exciting genre - Bloots. And we recommend Bloots for removing all kinds of pencil and crayon stains from walls and toilet seats. To remove coloured crayon and stubborn pencil stains, simply douse the back of your neck with Bloots... hang on... I've fukked up again. You see,  I got an interweb set for my birthday and I'm still getting used to it. Had to get it converted over from left-hand drive; it's from the YUSA where the information highway goes the other way,.

That's enough for now, I don't want to strain you mind too much but before I go....Stonyfell Winery is hosting two fab dinner shows featuring Walking the Line - Australia's Number 1 Johnny Cash Show ( Friday May 14) and Honky Tonk Angels - the Loretta Lynn Story on June 4. Both these shows won accolades at the 2010 Tamworth Country Music Festival and together with the catering and ambience of the Stonyfell Winery make a wonderul evening of good dining, fine wines and excellent entertainment. Book now! Contact the Stonyfell Winery for details. Here's what the interweb (I'm a bit reluctant to trust this again but here goes....) here's what the interweb has to say about the Stonyfell Function Centre...

Centrally located just 10-15 minutes from the Adelaide city centre in the grounds of the Stonyfell Winery nestled amongst the picturesque Adelaide foothills.
Contact Details:
Phone: (08) 8332 5582
Mobile: 0411 028 917
Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
Postal Address: Stonyfell Function Centre
PO Box 320 Burnside
South Australia 5066

 WoooHooo, I'm gettin' the hang of this. Now to find some porn!