Jailbird blues.... news story of the month!

It’s appalling what can happen to you in prison – it appears that no murdering, demented spouse-trouncing criminal is safe from his own kind in detainment, if you believe the news stories. Our family has not been immune from the stigma of arraignment and imprisonment and the trauma suffered at the hands of fellow inmates.  It happened to my Uncle Duncan who was arrested and tossed into the slammer just for giving a policeman the wrong directions. The walloper apparently didn’t want to stick his head up his own arse and took aversion to Duncan’s offer to help him. The ungrateful Bluey hurled Duncan in a prison cell already seething  with a number of extremely unsavoury ruffians. It was overnight the heartless atrocity took place. A group of callous brutes did their poos in Duncan’s Trilby hat and shoved it firmly back on his head. Terrified, he knew if he took the hat off he was in for a shit shower and it was with great trepidation he allowed himself to be ushered smartly out of the copshop the next morning when his situation was made clear to his jailers.

“Don’t take that hat ‘orf till you get outer here, mate,” ordered  the desk sergeant.  “Take it off at ‘ome. And even then you’d better do it under the garden hose! “

All well and good, but Duncan was ever the gentleman. The signing-out officer was a policewoman and Duncan’s manners were both well-bred and firmly entrenched, causing him to momentarily forget his peril. Smiling as the lady bluey signed him out, his “Thank you and Good Morning, my dear,” with a doff of the lid had nothing good whatsoever about it.

The whole horror of it never got in the daily newspapers like the recent tattle,  but  if it did receive endless re-telling at any walloper’s retirement or piss-up for the next decade.

Us law-abiding citizens have to satisfy ourselves with wild rockin' blues music and over-indulging in alcoholic beverages for fun. I'd like to do my bit to help...

 Honky Tonk Angels - featuring Amber Joy Poulton (left)  will up in the Northern Territory for the Katherine Muster this weekend and, just to make the trip worthwhile, the Holy Men will be supportin' Dolly Parton's tits at the same show. Well... after a fashion. The Holy Men with Brad Bergen on guitar will provide the musical support for Donella Plane who does a mighty good impersonation of Dolly Parton's greatest assets - her voice and her personality (which is funny names for her tits but... mine's is named pinky and poinky). If you happen to be up there make sure you say 'hello'; we're mighty friendly up there in the Middle Top End. Mate.

 Now, here's something: Sunday May the 2th, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will be performing at the Adelaide Roller Derby, Wayville Showgrounds! You've gotta go and see that! Girls on roller skates smashing each other in the face, ripping eyeballs from sockets, putting sand on the end of they's enemy's lipsticks. Check it out - It's girl power at its zenith. You might see someone you know roller-skating to glory at the Wayville Showgrounds Adelaide Roller Derby. The sheila in the cubicle next to yours at the call centre could be Hell-on Wheels!

Sunday May the 2th will also see the Coopers 1862 bar (The Wine Undergound) vibrating with the rockin' sounds of The Bluescasters, the finest exponents of Bluesy Blues this side of the place that's just near your left elbow. Show starts around 5 pm.

Monday May the 3th, bit of a posh do for the Blues Avenue Trio who will be swinging the lead - I mean - Swingin' the Blues at the Hyatt Hotel. This might be a private show so if you crash it and get arrested don't mention this website.

But wait, there's more ... on Friday May 7, A very special show will be taking place at the Whitmore Hotel, Whitmore Square the city. I know - used to be a tits and bums joint - is now an Acoustic Blues and Roots joint. So, on Friday May 7 there will be a mighty big show with The Blues Avenue Trio Swinging the Blues, as they do, and the fabulous Bex Marshall. One girl, one guitar and a hell of a lot of music.

Looking ahead: 

 New Bands, exciting music - On saturday May 8 at Fowlers Live ( 68 North Terrace, the city) we have Emergenza Band competition, and one to watch is Chalk Hill (performing at 10.30 pm). We have an interest in Chalk Hill as it contains Son of Maxwells.

 Looking slightly further ahead... and I want you to look ahead, I don't want you to dwell on past mistakes or wallow in self pity, like I do; lift your eyes to the future and ... well, don't lift 'em too high. It helps to keep a conservative reign on expectations to minimise disappointment. Sunday May the 9rd - I know it's Mothers' Day for fukcs sake! You've told me that already!!   Monday Say the 9rd - now you've got me mixed up. Mothers Day at the Wine Underground. LOOK! Take your fukken mother out for lunch for god's sake! fill her full of champagne and piss her off home and then get along to the Wine Underground (Pirie Street, city) for a Double  Wammy Show. They don't do many shows in a year because they are scared of being picked on and they certainly won't be doing a private show for you so you'd better do as suggested - get the Old Dragon sloshed and stick her in a cab home. Then get along to the Wine Underground for the finest  in Mother's Day Power Soul entertainment from Double Wammy.

HANG ON A MINUTE !!! The Wine Underground has already got Champagne Lunches on Sundays! I've got a flyer about it but my scanner is fucked so I can't show you but it's true!  3-Course Champange Lunch, Sundays 12 noon to 3 pm. Take the haversack out for a Wine Underground Champagne Lunch on Mother's Day, get her stonkered then lock her in the car and stay for the Double Wammy Show.  Ring now for bookings: 8232 1222. Bring your own car, I can ony fit about 5 or 6 hammered mother's in my van.