You could probably fix the international monetary crisis with stuff you’d find in a woman’s handbag. It fixed my spectacles after I was viciously set upon by a crazed diva sheila. Briefly, a bunch of us was up in Katherine for a big country music concerty thing and we were all in the dressing tent putting on our clown suits and tassels for our turn in the spotlight. Then, all I said to one of the leading ladies was: “Christ woman, if your arse gets any bigger you could apply for council permission to subdivide and sublet it for twice the rent!”. She must of misunderstood me and punched me in the face, popping the lens out of my spectacles and busting them good and proper.  (Photo right- what I looked like after she punched me; spectacles awry and I was really crying, too.) However, all the queen’s horses and all the kings men couldn’t put my spectacles back together again until “Dolly Parton” rummaged in her handbag and found the glue she uses to attach her insect-thrashing eyelashes to her face.  Not only did it stick the lens back in place, but here it is three days after the event and still holding! (Photo left - specs still held together with 'eyelash glue')  I swear if you were washed up on a desert island with “Dolly’s” handbag you’d be running your own TV station on nuclear power within a week!

 The Big one for the week - Bex Marshall VS Blues AvenueTrio

Bigger than big - it's LARGE. This week we have, on Friday night, a one-off Blues and Roots knees-up. Bex Marshall, British visitor who will leave mouths agape with her dazzling resonator guitar playing and uninhibited singing, will be teaming up with the Blues Avenue Trio for a night of rootin’ and tootin’ the Blues at the  Whitmore Hotel. Yes, the one on Whitmore Square! No, there won’t be nude ladies dropping their tits in your pint. No, no-one will take their clothes off and waggle their shaven havens at you. Just music is all you get. Good music. And beer.

Saturday May 8 Fowler’s Live arcs up with the Emergenza Band competition. Band to watch is Chalk Hill who will do their thing till it drops off at 10.30.

Sunday May 9 – Mother’s Day.  It’s a time to remember our dear mummies – in most cases they are the older person who raised you. If you are having trouble locating the old dear in your RAM, she’s the one who told you to ‘leave yourself alone or you will end  up in the insane asylum, gibbering and dribbling like your father’; she’s the one who made you wear those ridiculous clothes to the class party where you were laughed  at till you urinated down your leg and into your sandals; she’s the one who made you 'eat your boiled cabbage or no pudding!'; she’s the one…. You’re absolutely right! The shotgun is in the hall closet and the shells are under the bed! I’ll start digging a six-foot hole in the garden.

Christ, I’ve forgotten what I was doing….Oh,Yes!  Sunday May 9 is Double Wammy Day at the Wine Underground. Five pm kickoff - that’s when  the Princes of Power Soul will frighten you back to your mother’s womb! That’s a scary thought if your mum’s as old as mine. Eeeeuuuuurgghh!

 The Wine Underground is at Coopers 1862 bar, Pirie Street.

Start Making Plans............. FRIDAY 21^ST MAY 2010,  Honky Tonk Angels - the Loretta Lynn Story -  for one night only at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, Thebarton. To be precise: 39 George Street, Thebarton, SA 5031

Phone: (08) 8443 4546 for information or bookings. Fax: (08) 8351 7712

Website: www.wheatsheafhotel.com.au

Photo right: Amber Joy Poulton (Loretta Lynn in Honky Tonk Angels) trying out one of the latest nostril hair removing devices- The Nasa-laza - shortly before she was rushed to hospital with 2nd degree burns to the conk.