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Aint' it lovely all those people in the newspapers are suddenly concerned about men's health. So am i. Mine. “Oy! What’s goin’ on back there? What’s takin' you so long, fer fuk's sake?”
“Ah, sorry, mate; I just lost me wedding ring. I’m having a bit of a scratch around to try to find it.”
“How could you lose your wedding ring in there? Aren’t you supposed to be wearing rubber gloves?”
“Umm, yeah. But I ran outa gloves; I just used a bit of cling wrap round me hand but me fingers went through it.”
“What the fuk....!”
“Hup! Its ok, found the ring. All done. Sorry for the muck around; your quoit might be sore for a little while, but.”
“What...like a day or so?”
“Yeah. Nah... prolly a month or ... maybe longer.”
“Fer fuk’s sake!!!!!! That’s the last time I get a fukkin proctologist out of the Classified Ads!” But at least I’m being pro-active about men’s health. Now I’d like oll of youse to be proactive about your entertainment requirements for the near future.
 Starting with Friday May 14, Walking the Line – Australia’s Number 1 Johnny Cash Show will be boom-chikka boom-chikkering at the Stonyfell Winery. It’s always a good night with Johnny Cash, especially now he’s deader than a “work choices” terminology but liable to be resurrected in another form – like by Rohan Powell. And June Carter comes back as Amber Joy Poulton. And the Tennessee two come back as the Nickel-plated Testicles or something – no, I reckon I’ve got that wrong. The Walking the Line band featuring some guys who don’t rate a mention.
Also, there's a string of gigs from Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers who have teamed up with Heather Stewart for these dates: Friday, May 14, HEATHER STEWART, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will be Live at Lefties (Whyalla)
 Then, Saturday, May 15, HEATHER STEWART, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will zoom back to Adelaide for a shot at the Wheatsheaf Hotel, Thebarton.
Sunday, May 16, still in their travelling duds, HEATHER STEWART, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS will hop into the tour bus and scram out to the Semaphore Worker’s Club (at Semaphore) for 5pm to 8 pm sunset show. Don’t know who the fuk is Heather Stewart? Neither did I, but I know a little more now thanks to the interweb where I found this: “you’ll gasp in awe at the size of this guy’s schlong! Be amazed as it….” Oops. Wrong interweb thingy. try this: http://www.myspace.com/heatherstewartmusic
 If you just want to pull down your pants and have a good time get along to Finn McCool’s on Saturday Night May 15 for Warp Factor 4, playing all the misses that could have been hits if more people had liked them. Nah.. that’s not true. Well, not all of it. Warp Factor 4 play from 9 pm to 1 am. That’s right people…till one am… in the morning. Have you ever stayed up that late before? I did when I was waiting for Santa. I won't relate the sad tale of my disappoinment as the veil of sweet fantasy was ripped from my eyes that awful night last year.
 Sunday May 16 the Wine Underground (Coopers 1862 Bar, Pirie Street, the City) will feature the Streamliners. Live music starts arond 5 pm and goes till 8.
Moving on.... A blues living legend is on his way here for a bunch of shows. Matt ‘The Chain’ Taylor is gearing up for a fistful of gigs starting May 20. According to the blurb supplied, "Matt Taylor promises an evening of Australian rhythm and blues..."
I stay away from promising things. But Matt is a little more sincere than I am. It goes on to say:
 "Matt has been busy on the East Coast, touring consistently, but is looking forward to getting together with Chris Finnen, Trapper, and Frank for the first time in a year to play the blues.
Matt remains one of the key figures in developing the Australian blues scene, from his beginnings in Brisbane outfit Bay City Union through various Chain line-ups and his long solo career.
Chain is the foremost exponent of Aussie Blues and features long time Taylor friend Chris Finnen, on guitar, Frank Lang on bass and Trapper on drums." Here’s where they will be: Thurs 20th May Beach House Cafe Victor Harbor.
Fri 21st Sandy Creek Hotel, Sandy Creek.
Sun 23rd Semaphore Workers Club, Esplanade , Semaphore. Getting in early: Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers will be at the GIlbert Street Hotel Thursday May 20 Honky Tonk Angels will be at the Wheatsheaf Hotel on Friday May 21 Pan!c will be at the Daniel O'Connell Hotel on Saturday May 22 (Nyah! Nyah! Told you so, Slipp!) The Steve Brown Band will be at the Bacchus Bar on Saturday May 22 So fill in your diary now! You're going to have more fun than Germaine Greer at a knacker's yard.
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