Maybe the loin cloth idea wasn’t so great. The dole office got me a job as a fill-in Tarzan while the usual guy was on leave.  Sounded great – hot steamy jungle, hang around in the tree house with Jane, clock on or off when you please, official duds: loin cloth. I was previously misled about loincloths. Whenever I saw Tarzan on the teeva his loincloth afforded some degree of modesty. Not so for the real thing. It is the Macquarie definition of free-bagging. Your nut bag is flapping in the breeze and quickly becomes an object of amusement for all and sundry. I’d swear the mob that inhabited Tarzan’s fukken  tree-house were all refugees from the NakkaTakka tribe. I was ever the martyr to the annoying prank of having my nutsack donged by Cheetah and the fukken idiot Boy at any available opportunity. Jane was no better; she was nothing but a lardy loafer with the personality of a body parasite. She would lie idly on the tiger-skin sofa hiding the remote thus forcing me to adjust the TV manually. Then, while I was bending over twiddling the aerial she would unfailingly fling  her olive pips with alarming accuracy at my dangling clockweights. I was telling all blokes about this down at the men’s’ salon while getting my hair done.

“Dans Le mond de mumre au depudre tous,” said Gascoyne the Gorilla, who was the owner of the establishment.

“Speak English, please Gascoyne. I can’t understand French.”

Gascoyne swallowed noisily. "I wasn’t speaking French,” he said while combing through my hair. “I had a mouthful of fat fleas and ticks. You need to ask Jane to change your pillow, my son.” 

“You must be joking if you think Jane would change the pillows!” said I... ”That sloth wouldn’t even change her mind. She’s so fukken idle she won’t even lift her arse to fart. She’s lazier than a savings account in the bank!  Truth is, I’ll be glad when Tarzan gets back.”

Big silence in the salon.

“What?” asks I, nervously.

“None of the other Tarzans has ever come back,” said Gascoyne, and resumed his hunt for tasty crustaceans in my hair.

Gigs.

Don’t miss Double Wammy at the Semaphore Workers Club Friday June 11. Cranked for the Long weekend, the Wammy’s will be setting the pace at around 9 pm. Miss it and you’ll have to come again some other time so... better now than later!

Saturday, June 12, SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS at the Fat Tyre Festival (Melrose). Get on yer fukkin bike!

Saturday June 12 will have Brian Cadd doing a ticketed show at Maxwell’s Winery, McLaren Vale.  Here’s the Blurb: Australian Rock & Roll Legend and ARIA and ASA Hall of Fame member Brian Cadd is playing an exclusive, intimate show at Maxwell Wines in the heart of McLaren Vale on Saturday, June 12, 2010. Seats are strictly limited, so book early. Doors open 1pm, and food & wine will be available for purchase. Don't miss this chance to hear and see Brian up close as he performs his hits. Tickets $25.00 each - no concessions. Contact the winery to secure your seat(s); phone 08 8323 8200.
Supporting Artist: Rick Fenn. Fenn is an English rock  guitarist best known for being a member of the band 10CC since 1976.  He has also collaborated with Mike Oldfield, Rick Wakeman, Hollies singer Peter Howarth and Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason. Maybe he will play Dreadlock Holiday, eh?
Details in briefs:  Brian Cadd (and Rick Fenn) at Maxwell’s, Sat 1:00PM, 12 Jun 2010
Maxwell Wines, Olivers Road
McLaren Vale SA 5171. Phone 08 8323 8200
Tickets: $25.00

Sea and Vines: 

Maxwell  Winery again plays host to The Grouse on Sunday June 13 and Monday June 14. It is expected that Mr Cadd might poke his hairy face in for a look and listen and we certainly hope so because he is one hell of a rock and roller.

Sea and Vines:  Sunday June 13 and Monday June 14 Andy & The Rockits at Shingleback Winery.

You must pre-purchase Sunday entry tickets for Sea and Vines this year! Monday is a "tickets at the Door: arrangement.

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Sunday, 13 June, Fiona Boyes will bring her barrel-house style of guitar blues to the Wine Underground, Adelaide, 21 Pirie Street. Fiona starts plucking around 4:30 PM - 8:00 PM.

Sunday June 13 Amber Joy Poulton will be kicking up the dust or mud at Barmera for  the South Australian Country Music Festival. Amber will showcase songs from her Takin Goodbye CD which has generated two radi-friendly singles and sent the lass trotting around the country - to place like Barmera. Details here: Riverland country music festival.  http://www.riverlandcountrymusic.com/

HOY-HOY!! Sun. 13th. June. at the Brahma Lodge Hotel. 4-8 PM, and..... 

Fri. 18th June. The Hope inn Port Rd. Hindmarsh,  8.30-11.30.

 Thursday June 17: Sweet Baby James and Rob Eyers at the Gilbert Street Hotel

Friday June 18 Steve Brown Band at the Semaphore Workers Club

Saturday June 19 the Steve Brown Band at the Goolwa Steam Exchange.

Sunday June 20 - Adelaide Cabaret Fringe presents live at the Promethean --  Robby. Who the fug is Robby? I hear you ask. Come along and find out but, I can tell you this:  Robby is a singer/songwriter who has had an international hit with "Can't wait to Marry You" and is now showcasing  her new body of work - Out of the Lounge - on grand piano with double bass player Denis Surmon and drummer Jeff Clarke. Beatutiful songs, beautiful lyrics; beautiful melodies; if some of the tunes don't bring a tear to your eye Surmon will be more than happy to crack your shins with a golf club to facilitate said tears. Show playe 5 pm to 6-15 PM, book at Bass.