Having a front-bar life re-assessment after a visit to the job centre when I noticed the funny-looking dude next to me empty his shot of rum with a gulp and a grimace then smartly ping the side of his glass with his gnarly finger. Instead of sending the bar staff into a frenzy of eager hospitality service the glass simply refilled itself. I stared at the guy – not too rudely but enough to cause him to look at me and say: “Magic elf”. It was then I noticed his bulbous nose, his apple-red chumpy cheeks, his pointed ears and the long green tassel cap.  And he was as short as a council bureaucrat.  “I saw you in the job centre,” I says, “How come a magic elf can’t get a gig?”  
"Specialisation,” he says. “My careers counsellor said the money was in specialisation so I specialised in the motor industry.’
“What need does the motor industry have for a magic elf?”
“For puttin’ spells and curses on stuff.”
 “Like what?”
 “Disappearing wheel nuts, for one,” he says. “A magic spell makes on of ‘em run down the gutter and fall in a drain.”
“Is that how that happens?”
“Yeah. Bouncing bolts and screws is another; they’ll bounce off of anything and land somewhere where you’ll never find them.”
“Be fukked!” says I.
“Yeah.  I was chock full of ideas like that and had the magic skills to make it work. Made a fortune for the motor spares business. You could pay for your car three times over in nuts and bolts alone.”
“So what happened to you?”
“Too clever for me own good. One day I says to the slavering hounds round the boardroom table, I says: If you really want to flay the driving public alive in the spares and repairs racket you need a car that runs on Microsoft windows.”
“Yeah...” I says.... “Like a ... comp...”
“Exactly! A computer that stops running for no good reason. They loved it; called it an engine management computer.
“What does an engine management computer do?”
“It stops the engine from running.”
“Yeah, but doesn’t it manage the fuel supply...?”
“Carburettors have done that for 100 years. Successfully.”
“What about the electrical syst....”
“Voltage regulators do that...”
“Cold start?”
“Automatic choke.”
“So the engine management computer...”
“Stops the car from working. Magic box. Does fuck-all to make a car any better but costs an arm, leg and a kidney to get it going. It’s a magic money spinner that left my other little spells – and me – surplus to requirements.”
He skulled his rum and tapped the glass for another refill.
“Can you do that to mine?”
 “No probs, he said.” Ping!
 “Cheers.”

 Well, at let some musicians are working...if you call yelling and playing a gitar working, that is.

First up...  on Friday nite June 25 the Blues Avenue Trio has a corporate job...that’s right, everybody – a "corporate" gig at the Convention Centre. Whooptie –fukken- doo, eh?   You can’t come to it but I just thought I’d let you know the quality of the shoulders you can rub up against in the men’s dunny at the Worker’ Club now that the  Blues Avenue Trio is doin’ 'corporate' work.

Moving on... Saturday Nite June the 26th is the night you can catch pan!c at the  Daniel O’Connell Hotel in North Adelaide. I know I always say this but come along for a night of truly lightweight pop shtick with pan!c.  There’s Hillie, Garner and Surmon and between them they haven’t got the  balls to fuck a mouse but they have a good time trying. See you there.

Sunday June the 27th is the day that the Wine Underground (Coopers 1862 bar on Pirie Street) celebrates its oneth  birthday.  One year old and still going strong – for now!  Double Wammy gets the birthday Guernsey and they will amble around like confused wombats for quite a while before annoying the neighbours from around 5 pm-ish to 8 pm sharp-ish.  The Wammys always start a set fashionably late but manage to pull down the awning before the last customer has finished their soup.

 See: http://blueringrecords.wordpress.com/

LOOKING AHEAD...

 Sunday, July 4 you can catch SWEET BABY JAMES & ROB EYERS at the Gilbert St Hotel (2:30pm kick off)

There are other gigs going on this week and I will post them as they come in to the email in-box.