MasterChef is the new disco – all the glamour of a mirror ball with the depth of a Microgroove vinyl LP. But it can get you places! I made the finals in the local Bird-Stranglers Club MasterChef challenge and won a work-experience trip of my choice. I ended up in the steamy highlands of New Guinea as an apprentice cook for a large tribe of fierce-looking locals. The mistake I made was misinterpreting “head hunters”;  I thought they were an international  executive chef placement organisation. They were fukkin' cannonballs! Still - a cooking gig's a cooking gig! Bongo was the head chef; his assistant Bingo cooked the rest of the carcase. “You want to choose menu for today?” Bongo asked me.
“Does an orangutan pick his nose and eat it?” I replied. “Where’s the list of vittles.”
“Here is the carte de jour,” said Bongo handing me a pile of paper.
“But these are....”
“Tourist bus schedules. See here...Yum Yum.... Busload of English tourists... lots of white meat for the ladies and kiddies.  Then we have Chinese tourists... two busloads, one hour apart. Yum Cha! Then... do you like big, fat, juicy drumsticks?”
“Does a gorilla do a shit in its hand and fling it at rubbernecks?” I replied.
“Good. We have busload of American tourists for dinner. What’s up, Bingo?”
Bingo had climbed up the Totem of Many Eyes and Ears which was the focal point of the tribal ground. He held up his hand to quieten the crowd.
“Is that where you go to commune with the tribal spirits?” I asked.
“No. It’s where we go to get best mobile phone reception.  What’s cooking, Bingo?”
“Nothing. Bus-drivers on strike.”
“Ah, fuk a cuscus! “ exclaimed Bongo. “Frozen betel-nut pizza again.  Hmmm and double hmmm... I wonder... would Mister MasterChef visitor like to relax in hot bath?”
“Does a ring-tailed possum dribble shit down its guts? I could do with a scrub up. But what’s with the onions and carrots floating in the tub?”
“Ummmm.... Me run out of bubble bath.”

This week we have the Blues Avenue Trio, Honky Tonk Angels, Panic The Strealiners and John Earl walker, and that's just for 'starters'! Ho fukken ho.

At the Whitmore Hotel ( Morphett Street, Adelaide) on Wednesday July 21, Blues Avenue Trio will be swinging the Blues for all the cool cats. Dancing is the soup de jour on the menu with The Blues Avenue Trio and  Sweet Baby James Meston, Rob Eyers and The Preacher Denis Surmon will put you through your paces.

Friday July 23 has Honky Tonk Angels - The Loretta Lynn Story -  at the Encounter Bay Football Club. If you want to go to the show - it's purdy dang good -  and need more info, chase Amber Joy Poulton on:  http://www.myspace.com/amberpoulton. But I have it from the horse's mouth - not that horse over there on the right - that's a filly, ya fukker! Now, where was I....? horse's mouth... saddlebags... jodphurs... nightmare....? Right....HTA at Encounter Bay. Get a shift along, tickets are getting scarce as ducks' lips.

Friday night, July 23rd at the Wheatsheaf Hotel (George St, Thebarton ph. 8443 4546) - The Streamliners kick off at 9.30pm.  

Saturday July 24 get ready to pan!c at the Daniel O'Connell Hotel in North Adelaide because it will be more fun than a double-dong vibrator set on "Fuk-me-ragged!" when that irrepressible trio of nutbags - pan!c - steps up to the microphone and say: "Testing, testing...is this thing on?" They will do that around 9 pm. See you there.

American Rockin' Blues legend John Earle Walker will be appearing at...

    * the Semaphore RSL Friday July 23;
    * the Rex Hotel July Saturday 24 and...
    * the Wine Underground on Sunday July 25.

Also on Sunday, July 25, the Rusty Boys will be at the Whitmore Hotel, kicking off at 1 pm., and The Slowpokes will be appearing at The Whitmore on Friday Night, July 30.

Coming up:  the Streamliners, Friday, July 30th at the Semaphore Workers Club