I sometimes need to make myself scarce; like when I am avoiding a fuk-up, like now. I am currently persona non grata with a work colleague - and for good reason. I was a bit of a shite. I have always been a shite, since the moment I was born. My mother took one look at me and said “Och the Noo, the Little beastie is nothing but a big shite. Nip doon to the butcher fer a poond of tripe - I’ll no’ be ettin’ that little turd’s afterbirth!  I’d rather eat a coo’s guts wi’ deep fried ungyungs!”  As I had already joined a bike gang and had barbed wire tattooed round my neck I didn’t care. But these days, because of the position I hold in society, I do care. A bit. So, when I fuk up, I disappear until most of the shit has been mopped off the floor. I don’t disappear into the shed, that’s full of fukken spiders, I have a time machine what I invented to disappear to another era until the shouting dies down. The time machine is a nifty invention attributable to a family genetic quirk – inventors run through our mob like Epsom salts through a lower intestine. One that springs to mind is Uncle Derek,  a farmer in the Gippsland who crossed a Friesian-Holstein with a Swiss dairy maid and invented a cow that milks itself then yodels when the bucket is full.
I’ll tell you more about that later but you’ll be interested in the time machine – it’s basically an orange Leyland P76 ute with few modifications of my own (see the photograph). You have to jump start it but if the plugs are in good shape you can get quite a few millennia out of it.
My recent escape took me back to ancient Egypt where I assumed the guise of one of my predecessors, Mustapha Bir, who was overseeing the building of the Pyramid of Sum Chaps…  pretty hot and dusty work… and chapped lips all round - even under the loincloth. What many of today’s archeologists don’t know is that the Pyramid of Sum Chaps – the one I was working on - was actually constructed with the aid of a simple tool. His name was Ghofuk Yusef and though he was thick as a Boxing Day turd he could kick a marble beach ball from one side of the Nile to the other. He could hold a Minoan Bull out the window to shit. He could also slap the side of an Egyptian slave’s head so hard the wax would shoot out of his opposite ear like a bullet and kill the slave standing next to him. So… the work progressed fairly well until the Missus arrived.
“What’s this?” Claptrap demanded
“If you can’t see what it is there’s little point me explaining it, is there, Oh Custodian of the King’s scorpion infested Canyon?”
“Mind thy manners, Oh Master of the Dhill Pikkel Percy, or you’ll be crocodile shit before Ra bends over for to light up the morrow.”
Touchy this week, I thought. Use the soft pedal. “A plague upon my tongue, Claptrap, it’s just a new pyramid Mr Ramita Pyrass ordered.
“I fukken know what it is, you jackal-headed son of a dung beetle,” she snapped. "It’s a pyramid that’s facing the wrong fukken way!"
Facing the wrong way! What next – upside down? But… I know when not to argue with Claptrap – and that’s when she’s got Kilrust on the barn doors. I played along… “May ra fuk a crocodile with herpes, You are right, Claptrap. Tsk, tsk… I’ll have it shifted immediately. GHOFUK YUSEF…..!”
“And you gho stick your head in a constipated camel’s arse!” she hollered at me, shoving her nasty asp in my face.
I didn’t bother explaining; I just got Ghofuk Yusef onto the job of aligning the pyramid with Claptrap's mother’s left tit but that was only the beginning. “Can’t you do something about the colour, it looks dull and sandy…”
“It’s sandstone….”
“Then cover it with marble, you vulture’s furball!  And I want a north-facing window!”
“There’s no windows in a pyra….
“A NORTH FACING FUKKEN WINDOW…” she ordered….”the new curtains won’t manage the southern glare….and etc etc...."
And that’s why I’m back here to stand in front of the fan and let the shit hit where it may.

So...... Friday night, September 10 … there’s something on somewhere but if you don’t tell me I can’t tell anyone else.
Saturday arvo September 11 there's quite a lot going on. Susie’s Blues Day is a must. 6 hours of the best of Adelaide’s Blues and Roots music bands This year will see the likes Hoy-Hoy! and Rhumboogie before a BBQ and an “off the cuff” music jam.   
Susie’s Blues Day is a Variety Club fundraiser for the V2 Classic Motorbike Run, Bikes Number 13 & 32, raising funds for Variety the Childrens Charity. $30 Entry, Gold coin donation for Food & Drinks  
For further details ring Susie 8379 5102 or email This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Saturday Night September 11 there is a real treat on offer. Honky Tonk Angels teams up with Walking the Line – Australia’s Number 1 Johnny Cash Showband to present an evening of top cabaret entertainment at the Sandbar, Henley Square.    Amber Joy Poulton – now a rising star in the Australian Country music in her own right – stars as Loretta Lynn and June Carter Cash (in Walking the Line), and Rohan Powell (Acoustic Juice) unleashes his baritone balls to pay solemn tribute to the great Man in Black.
It’s a fantastic Double-Bill at a very reasonable price.
Doors open at 7pm, Tickets at the door: $20. Show starts at 8:30pm. Enquiries: The Sandbar, 225 Esplanade, Henley Beach, Adelaide, 5022. Ph:08 8353 4400.

Sunday September 12 get along to the Wine Underground to catch AmberJoy Poulton and The Holy Men at the Coopers 1862 Bar Wine Underground in Pirie Street, the City. First time in the Wine Underground for the girl whose country roots are a big secret in case her husband finds out. Oh, shit… I shouldn’t have said that… she already hates me with the sort of passion only a mighty country roots singing Diva can muster.  Still... But... hey... See you there… Sunday at the Wine Underground. Starts around 5 pm.