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Rumours of Tamworth are true - you have to be there, said the Hobbit Print E-mail
Thursday, 15 January 2015

Sample ImageThis Friday 16th Jan. The Bluescasters will be serving up  A Whole Lotta Blues @ The Gaslight Tavern for only $5.00 entry. Show starts 8.30 pm, so get there early to secure your place at the bar!







Sample Image17 January at 6.00 pm; Rumours - The Fleetwood Mac Show at the Beach House Cafe in Encounter Bay









Sample ImageSunday January 18 will see the Chris Finnen Electric band at the Modbury Hotel…. Rocking and wailing.






Sample ImageAmber Joy and the Holy Men – Big week in Tamworth.  Ten or more shows, there’s a list somewhere, six of them are at Diggers (yeehah!!); gigs with Sandra Humphries,  Amos Morris;  couple of songwriting nominations/finalists; bit of yippee and yeeharr. If you are up that way make a point of coming to a show and saying hello – it’s always good to meet South Aussies when you are in that weird Tamvegas place.

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 Sample ImageGet ready for an authentic Mexican experience Saturday 24 January Long Weekend at The Gov with Victor Valdes and The Real Mexico Mariachi Band (Mexico/Australia).

A virtuoso Mexican harpist, Victor Valdes is a walking-talking encyclopaedia of Mexican and Latin music past and present and has redefined the harp as a solo and lead instrument in a multitude of musical contexts and keys. As a solo harpist, Victor has performed in 25 countries worldwide. For 10 years he was a member of Tlen Huicani, the best known and multi-award-winning Mexican folk group which toured the world, playing 20 performances at Sydney Opera House.




Sample Image The Wheatie: The Bearded Gypsies get started on a Thursday night residency and in-betweens you  can catch and few gems like: The Baker Suite on Saturday January 17.


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 Art-folk, cinematic storytelling, French Cafe and cabaret romantica...all terms which have been used to describe The Baker Suite.  Songwriter, John Baker (guitar) and his partner in rhyme Gayle Buckby (parisianesque accordion), will be joined by Julian Ferraretto (violin, mandolin & saw), Lyndon Gray (double bass) and Enrico Mick Morena (drums).www.thebakersuite.com


wheatie gigs: http://www.wheatsheafhotel.com.au/gigs





Monday 26th – Australia Day Long Weekend at the Semaphore & Port Adelaide RSL

Sample ImageHelp Fly The Flag - On Monday the Club has a FREE “Australia Day Show” from 5.30pm - Late, featuring New Relix are Paul Thorpe on Drums. David Kitterringham on Bass & Gavin J Williams on Guitar.






AMC Sessions at Mortlock Chamber February 9

Sample ImageIf you haven’t booked by now you could be missing out on this one. The poster says it all but here’s a few details if your screen is too small or something – you know, you are getting too old to read 12-point type.

It has The Masters Apprentices, the Twilights, Bev Harrell, Doug Ashdown, Heidi Eiderdown (Nah.... just made that up), John Brewster, Shooey, Rockin' Fukken Rob Fukken Riley, Peter Combe, Nit Comb (made that up, too), Chris Finnen, The Timbers, Vincent's Chair, Vinnie's Clothes Rack (I can't help myself), The Baker Suite, The 3-pce Lounge suite (Stop it!), The Beggars, The Buggers (Sorry, really sorry.) and Brillig. Then fine print fine print fine print some logos and shit.

This is a unique event...in an unique setting. www.trybooking.com/112033













Oh Christ – it’s him…!  He’s back - it’s Dildo Bugger and a bunch of stumpy people in:

The Battle-axe with the fat armies....

Or… The desolation of Smug, the fat, greedy old dragon

In the land of the Iron Hill of Roy… the running river is running thick with arsenic sludge,  with phosphates and sulphides – poisoned and toxic, the landscape pitted and scarred, deep wounds hacked into the earth and left to fester, no tree, no grass, no animals; such was the Desolation of Smug, the Old Dragon with the big Fat Armies.
Dildo stood on the edge of the wasteland, Goodgrief the antediluvian prestidigitator at his side. The mountain loomed ominously in the distance.
Loom; loom.
“Pretty fukn huge mountain,” sed the short-arsed hairball.
“You can say that again!”
“Pretty fukn’…..”
“All RIGHT! I know!!!”
“Well…it is a big mountain.”
“Wait till we get closer.”
“Through the magic of timelording and CGI distance-shortening, Dildo and the pointy-hatted conjurer draw closer to the grotesque lump.
“It’s … It’s not a mountain… of rock and iron and stuff,” exclaimed Dildo. “ It’s…. It’s….. EEUURGGGGHHH!”
“Yes, it’s the greedy old mining dragon Smug Rhinohyde. And she is fukkn HUGE, you little dog-rapist.”
“How did she get so big?”
“She began life with a bellyful of inheritance from Auld Lang Syne which she greedily hoarded but now she is bloated with over-generous tax concessions, biased government largesse from the Mad Abbott, privileged family leaseholdings and she is lying on top of a huge pile of her family’s money.”
“And her arms are so … so FAT… and flubbery!”
“Yes… They are certainly disgusting. Up close she smells like a hamburger patty cooked in camel grease.”
“Hurrp!! Bloikkkk!!! Excuse me - there’s a bit on your sandal. But what are those monstrous flubbery tentacles doing?”
“They are scrabbling around in the muck trying to scrape every doubloon and ha’penny from every living being that gets caught in her deadly gravity.”
“It is truly horrible; let’s kill it.”
“Ok. I’ll toss you for it.”
“Hey… no throwing dwarves or Hobbits!”
“Toss a coin, you fukkn birdbrain.”
A voice behind them speaks: “You shall not kill it!”
“Who the fuk says,” demanded Goodgrief.
“I do. I am Campbell of Newman. As long as she is here with her wealth, we are wealthy. Well… we appear wealthy, and I will be re-elected on that tenuous connexion if the publicity drive by the Wizard Rupert does its job properly... and if the Mad Abbott stays in his Castle on the Hill and doesn't show his face around here for a while.”
“So tell me Adolf – I mean – Campbell of Newman … fat Smug gives some of her dough to the people...?”
“Umm … no.”
“Then, she must give some of it to you…?”
“Well… not exactly.. she,  er, she would… if we let, er, if we her but in reality she keeps all of it. And … we give her more so she can… er… keep all of that too.”
“Well, she employs the good people of this country in her industrial endeavours?”
“Ummm… No.  She uses orcs. They work cheap; they just eat rocks and shit.”
“Just a moment, Goodgrief, let me talk to Campbell of Newman,” interrupted the Hobbit, “I speak Idiot fluently. What about this mess…???” Dildo demanded, waving his hairy appendage in the general direction of the total environment destruction.
That’s not a mess; wait till you see what we have planned for the Great Barrier Reef! Haw Haw…! “

“I can’t wait for that!" mumbled Dildo. "But what has fat Smug Rhinohyde  done with the good stuff she has pulled out of the ground?”
“Well… she …er... sells it to Threedoor in the East and they use it to make crap that we buy to…er… put straight into landfill.”
“And this is GOOD?”
“Well… it’s always good to appear to have something going on, some kind of digging industry, even if it is destructive and only serves the industrialist… It sort of makes us politicians look better; we can talk up the ‘industry’ to justify our …er… remuneration and perks… and re-election.”
Dildo tipped a knowing wink at Goodgrief.
“Aye, Kneebiter,” said Goodgrief aside to the drainclogger. “There’s someone who should’ve got drowned at birth. So… looks like we get one apiece. You get the giant slug and  I’ll do this oik with me magic pigsticker.”
“Very magic, Goodgrief.  But very messy.”
“Yeah… didn’t want to leave any bits that might be able to join up again. Now, we’ll have to get that mountain of lard up in the air so we can shoot her in the soft, flabby underbelly.”
“How’re we gonna do tha?.”
“You got a rouble…?”
“Toss it in the air.”
Dildo tossed the shiny coin high in the air. Toss!
“Whoohoo…she’s seen it and she’s lifting off to gobble it up. Get your bow and arrow ready, you crapulent capybara…. Now shoot her in the left tit, It’s smaller than the other one; less resistance to get through to her vitals..”
“But… But what’s that strange thing hanging off her tit….?”
“It’s nothing; it’s just the Mad Abbott, he’s her remora…… Shoot now, we’ll get two parasites with one shaft…..”
“OH NO! You’ve only hit blubber.”
“Goody, old man… she’s all blubber. I don’t know where to aim… nothing will get through to her gizzard.”
“It’s time for some wizardry… here, tie this orcskin envelope to one of my magical sky rockets, point it to the East and light the wick.”
“Is it a bomb?”
“Sort of;  it’s something I have been quietly  sitting on for a couple of dozen years. it’s the formula and instructions to make industrial cold fusion. Once the Easties in Threedoor  have it they will drop her coal imports like a sizzling dumpling.”   
“Excellent!  And will fat Smug crash to her death and squash that little jerk hanging on underneath her?”
“If you believe in cold fusion, my little quokka, you’ll believe we can stop Smug the Fat and her Parasite. But let’s give it a shot!”


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