When all else fails.............. pan!c

What sage advice is that, eh? If you know your onions you will be at the Daniel O'Connell Hotel in North Adelaide on Saturday night April 4, to wiggle your wobbly bits with pan!c. Hey... that makes sage and onions. Like the stuffing. Ho - fukken' - ho. What a coincidence... It turns out I like stuffing as much as the guy in front of me. Er, your kiddies aren't reading this are they? That business about stuffing the guy in front of me isn't true. It's a lovely fethry chicken in front of me. Well, that's enough about my love life.  pan!c - the band, not the unruly state of distress - is the red-drink fuelled pop three-piece band that woud like to be the wiggles but often just gets the wobbles. It's not our fault, though. It's the drink. Always one pint over the plimsoll line and on goes the wobbley boot. But right up until they get the wobbles,  Garner, Hill and The Preacher will be jumping about like a trio of fleas with St Vitus' dance. Only, because they are musicians, they won't be in time with the music. They will be all over the place like a trio of coked-up meerkats with St Virulent's spasms. How-fukken'-ever, it will be more entertaining than watching a dog lick its bollocks.

But only just.  Especially if it's Wingnut doing the licking - he's only got one ball!

ONLY KIDDING! It will be excellent! See you at the Daniel O'Connell Hotel, North Adelaide, Saturday April 4.  I wasn't kidding about Wingnut, though; he's only got one ball. Goering had two, but they were small, apparently. I've heard the Himmler had something not dissimilar but that Goebbels was totally bereft of pendulous gonadal appendages.

If you like tools on stools - without the stools....

Then get your sorry arses down to Mick O'Sheas at Hackham on Sunday Arvo, April 5 - that's right, you heard it correctly - Sunday Arvo April 5 - to spend the afternoon with The Sidecutters. Who the fuck are the Sidecutters? I heard you ask. And let that be somewhat of a gentle warning to you - I can hear you. And see you, especially when you're in the bathroom. This is just a heads-up, that's all; nothing to worry about.  But just be careful what you say and do - especially in the bathroom!  It's all thanks to brand new internet mini-micro-weeny-teeny technology. When you clicked on a secret thing on the interweb you downloaded a bunch of ultra-miniature mobile phones with cameras in them that went in your nose when you breathed and came out your arse when you done a fart in the bathroom or the toilet. They are designed to stick on the walls and look like specks of fly shit. And they just stick there, looking at you, but they are set to ring me when you got into the bathroom or the dunny, and i can switch on the cameras with a remote controlled cyber mini-finger and see what you're up to. Then, beside all the pervacious things, I can also check whether you washed you hands after you done a wee or made a politician. True! And I saw you - yes you with the little gold ring in your ear - make a politician yesterday morning and just wipe your hands on your duds. Dirty bugger.  Hope you ate a sandwich after that and got dysentery or ulcerated colitis or something. Christ! I just thought of something worse... I hope you're not that guy who works at the cafe when I get my lunch!  No. He's got a little gold ring in the other ear. I think. Or is it..... .

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes.... The Sidecutters is Michael "O'Halloran" Hill out of The Grouse and pan!c,  and Denis The Preacher Surmon out of pan!c and... the  Grouse.   Economic cutbacks, job losses and all that. So we're working 2-piece. If things get any worse we'll soon be working one-piece, then when it gets really tough and the the fees for pub bosses kid's private schools loom due, we'll be working no-piece.The thought of that makes me want to cry but...  I can't - I'm in the middle of watching something very interestng on my miniature dunny-cam network. Very interesting, indeed.

Anyway..i'll just record that on me hard disk and I guess we'll see you on Saturday at the Daniel O'Connell and Sunday at Mick O'Sheas.   Oh! My word! You should have seen that!   You wouldn't believe the things some people do in the  shower! I never fail to be surprised by it. And entertained. Hmmmm.  I might just watch this a bit longer. Cheerio.